The Taoist Biker Glossary

(This will be added to as the situation merits.)

1%er – A member of an outlaw motorcycle gang (such as the Hells Angels, Mongols, Pagans, etc.). The term derives from the infamous (and much-overblown) Hollister riot, which resulted in the American Motorcyclist Association giving an official statement that 99% of bikers were good, upstanding citizens. Many of the outlaw gangs proudly adopted the label of the remaining 1%, and many wear a diamond-shaped “1%” patch on their colors. For more information, see the Wikipedia entry on Motorcycle Clubs.

Aftermarket – Parts bought and installed after the original vehicle purchase, from a supplier other than the original manufacturer. Opposite of OEM. A typical example is when a motorcyclist exchanges his stock Harley or Suzuki or Ducati exhaust pipe for an aftermarket one by Vance & Hines or Yoshimura or Termignoni, that is lighter, more free-flowing (adding horsepower and usually louder, sometimes better sound). Often used as a double-entendre in the motorcycling community for breast augmentation and other cosmetic surgery. A biker will post pictures of his bike, girlfriend, etc. and the comment will follow: “Wow, nice parts. Are those aftermarket, or OEM?”

AMP – Alpha Male Prick. Polar opposite of the Nice Guy. Hypercompetitive, only out for some sex, disrespects and/or actively mistreats women around him, yet is mysteriously attractive to women. At least one of my close college friends fits this type.

AS Asperger Syndrome, an ASD. We don’t have an actual diagnosis at this point, but we suspect that my son has AS.

ASD Autism Spectrum Disorder. Persons with ASD’s are occasionally referred to as being “on the spectrum.”

Aspie – A person with Asperger Syndrome.

Asshole – Someone behaving in a completely self-centered way, regardless of the negative impact it may have on others. For example: On Tuesday, it was cold and wet outside and there were grocery carts left among the parking spaces. I hate that, because it takes up parking spaces, and because I feel sorry for the young kids that have to fetch the carts from all over Creation. So, as usual, I grabbed a freezing-ass grocery cart and took it inside with me. A guy unloading his groceries with his wife saw me do it, and then proceeded to leave HIS cart right where I’d grabbed the other one. Yeah. That guy got a muttered “Thanks a lot, asshole.”

ATGATT – Biker acronym for “All the gear, all the time.” Meaning someone who wears full riding gear (helmet, gloves, boots, armored and/or abrasion-resistant jacket and pants) for every ride, and preaches to others to do the same. Sometimes pronounced as a word, “at-gat.” I was, am, and will again be an ATGATT rider. It seems to me to beat the hell out of finding out how it feels to have gravel scrubbed out of your ass with a stiff-bristled brush.

Bike Withdrawal – Depression and irritability brought on by depriving a motorcyclist of a motorcycle.

Cage Motorcyclist slang for “car.” Derives from a car’s enclosed nature, as opposed to the freedom of a motorcycle saddle.

Cager – Someone riding in or (more commonly) driving a car. Usually used as a derogatory term by motorcyclists for a car driver who is doing something stupid, careless, and/or dangerous.

Camber – The radius of a road surface. Most highways are not flat; they’re actually slightly curved, with the high point in the center, so that water can drain off to either side. In straight lines this effect is barely noted, but in a corner on a motorcycle it can be significant. If you are turning left, for example, you are leaning toward the high side of the road, so there is slightly less ground clearance before you start scraping pavement. Motorcyclists refer to “positive” camber and “negative” or “off-camber” turns, to describe turns where there is respectively more or less available ground clearance. For a real education in motorcycling and road camber (or motorcycling and anything), see Dave Hough’s fantastic book, Proficient Motorcycling.).

Ducati – Seductive, high-maintenance Italian mistress. For the best anecdote of a Ducati ever written, see Hunter S. Thompson’s Song of the Sausage Creature.

Dumbass – Someone who is mildly annoying me. Most often used in reference to myself. “Good one, dumbass.”

FFT – Free Fucking Time. What parents with jobs have none of. One of my wife’s abbreviations. “Yeah, I’ll clean the garage. In my FFT.”

Flash-bribe – Flashing breasts in order to convince a male to do (or not do) something. Reasonably common occurrence in my household. (Woohoo!)

FRTHO – Fuck Right The Hell Off. Another of my wife’s abbreviations.

GGG – Good, Giving, and Game. Good in bed, giving equal time and equal pleasure, and game to try anything within reason. See Dan Savage’s Savage Love columns.

GRG – Grand Romantic Gesture. A pre-planned display of affection and devotion calculated to increase one’s stature with the object of one’s desire. Especially used by young men to attempt to win the hearts of fair young maidens. Rarely has the desired effects.

Hanging off – Biker term for increasing the ground clearance of a motorcycle by the rider leaning his/her body off of the main axis of the motorcycle into the direction of the turn, thereby lowering the center of gravity of the bike/rider system. The result is that the rider is near the ground, often resulting in kneedragging. Note the body position of these motorcycle racers.

Hellfire and Damnation – A milder version of “Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ, what the fuck?!?!?” used by me when I’m not feeling quite so rabid and/or the presence of others limits my profanity.

Highside – A motorcycle accident in which the rear wheel loses traction, spinning faster than the rate of travel, then suddenly regains grip. When this happens, the rear wheel applies a torque on the leaning motorcycle, flicking it back in the opposite direction, which usually results in the bike and the rider being catapulted up and over the front wheel. Often seen in motorcycle racing, where riders on powerful bikes are accelerating out of corners. A classic example can be seen in this YouTube video. Opposite of lowside.

Hokie – 1)  Horse:Gelding::Turkey:Hokie.  In other words, a castrated turkey.
2)  A student, alumnus, or associate of Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University, alias Virginia Tech.  Until 1981, their athletic teams were known as the “Fighting Gobblers.”  Yes, really.  You can look it up on Wikipedia.  Polar opposite of a Hoo or Wahoo.

Hoo or Hoos – Abbreviation of Wahoo.

Keep the rubber side down – Standard biker benediction, “ride safely.” Keeping the rubber side down means no other parts of the bike (or the rider) are on the pavement.

Kneedragging – When a biker is hanging off to the point that his/her inside knee contacts the pavement. For this reasons, many motorcycle leathers (and all racing suits) come with attachments for plastic knee pucks.

Love – When you love someone and love yourself while doing so. (And yes, I realizing I’m using a word within its own definition. Bite my ass.)

Lowside – A motorcycle accident in which the bike loses traction and slides downward, with the rider sliding off of the saddle. Often referred to by bikers in terms like “I laid it down” or “it slid out” etc. Usually a less violent accident unless contact is made with a foreign object. Opposite of highside.

Midwest, the – Interesting place full of open spaces and mildly xenophobic white people. Original home of my wife and still home to my in-laws. Great place for outdoorsmen. Crazy cold in the wintertime, still hot in summertime. Minneapolis still hits 100 degrees in the summertime, but you sure as hell don’t hear of Atlanta having a -20 air temperature, do you?

Motherfucker – Someone who is really annoying me. Screamed at my windshield on rare occasions, as in “PICK A LANE, MOTHERFUCKER!!”. Alternatively, profane slang for “a person,” as in “Wow, that motherfucker can sing.” Pronounced “muhfugga” by me. If you actually enunciate the r’s, I will point and laugh at you.

MotoGPMotorcycle Grand Prix racing, the pinnacle of racing in my own humble opinion. In the words of Faster: Two wheels, two hundred miles an hour, every man for himself.

Motorcycle – Two wheels and an engine. Nothing else is important in the great scheme of things.

Motorcyclist – Not a person riding a motorcycle. A person who belongs on a motorcycle.

Nice Guy – A boy or man who thinks with both heads, respects women, and generally wants more from them than just sex. (Notice the ‘just.’) Not usually very successful in romance. For more information, see the checklist.

OEM – Original Equipment Manufacturer. Used to refer to parts that were originally on a vehicle when it was purchased, or replacement parts made by the original manufacturer. Opposite of aftermarket. Examples are stock parts, or for example new carburators by Harley-Davidson’s Screaming Eagle parts shop, a taller windshield by Suzuki, or hard saddlebags by BMW. Also often used as a double-entendre referring to cosmetic surgery on one’s significant other.

RBBPoA – Razor-Barbed Buttplug of Agony. What I mentally give people who piss me off. Originally created in my days of MUD-administration, when I joked of creating one to punish a particularly annoying person. It became a running joke amongst a very small circle of my friends. I’m probably the only one who still remembers it. But then again, it’s probably because I still mentally break it out on a weekly basis.

South, the – Where the default is to serve sweet tea instead of unsweetened tea. Home. Land of many quirks and even more faults, but still home despite the latter.

Spectrum, the – Refers to Autism Spectrum Disorders. See ASD.

Squid – Stupid, Quick, Undergeared, Inevitably Deceased. A biker term for a particular brand of motorcyclist: one who typically rides in shorts and a t-shirt, no helmet, no protective gear, and who frequently engages in risky antisocial motorcycling such as wheelies and other stunts, high-speed runs, etc. in and through normal traffic.

Taoism – The Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao. And I sure as hell ain’t smart enough to be the one to explain it. Try Wikipedia for starters.

Virginia, Commonwealth of – Sacred ancestral land of many many (many) flaws, but point them out to me and expect the Wrath of TB.

Virginia, University of – Center of learning hallowed by ol’ TJ himself. Has “Grounds,” not “campus.” Has “first-year” etc. instead of “freshman” etc. Contains lots of drunken geniuses. Locus of hordes of wonderful memories.

Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University – Alias “VPI,” alias “Virginia Tech.” The Ninth Circle of the Inferno. Occasionally and against all odds produces decent human beings. Football team still living off Faustian bargain with the infernal signed on behalf of team by one dog-killing lowlife. At least that’s my theory.

Wahoo – 1)  A fish that can drink the equivalent of its own weight.
2)  A student, alumnus, or associate of the University of Virginia.  Often abbreviated as ‘Hoo. Polar opposite of a Hokie.

Wahoo-wah – A refrain from the UVA alma mater.  Commonly used as an interjection by Wahoos.

Y’all – Southern English, second person plural. Pronounced like “yawl.” Well, okay, probably more like “yaaawwl.” “You all” is incorrect. “You guys” will get you instantly pegged as a Yankee.

Yankee – An American born outside the South. If you have to ask, then yes, that means you.


6 Responses

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