Hiatus

I’ve decided to put the blog on hold for a while.

Really, it took a friend talking to me about an unrelated subject last week to make me realize that, in fact, I’ve just been sort of going through the motions for…  what, six months now, with a couple of spotty breaks in and amongst that?  That’s just not good.  I never wanted to do this sort of thing out of some sense of obligation, I wanted to post because I had stuff to say.  And coming from a guy with MY reputation as a wordy sumbitch, this has just been an unusually quiet time for me.  I’ve stopped participating in my favorite motorcycle board, I haven’t been really reading or commenting on anyone elses’ blogs, I’ve dropped off of Twitter, I’ve been slow to reply to emails (not just you guys, but hell, even at work!) – and yeah, I’ve stopped posting everything but Monday Musics.  I kept thinking if I just kept the MM momentum alive, then when I got back to myself again, it would be easier to just crank everything back up.  And that may be true, but it still leaves me going about this without the right frame of mind.  Better, I think, to just walk away and come back when the time is right.

I think, really, what it comes down to is that for the last 20 years I’ve lived my life online to a degree that is, quite frankly, kinda shocking.  First there was the old MUD, then over time I slowly began to accumulate other online homes and change my focus from one to another as the years when by:  a couple of online forums, Myspace, then this blog, and then Twitter and all that sort of thing.  (I’ve still resisted the pull of Facebook, that’s like the last online bandwagon I have yet to jump onto.  It’ll probably come eventually, but not quite yet.)  For whatever reason, lately, I just…haven’t…been…feeling it.

I’ve gotten just plain old tired of sitting in front of a computer screen, to a level that I haven’t in a long, long, long time.  I’ve been blessed with a cornucopia of wonderful online friends over the last two decades, definitely and prominently including several of you fine folks.  But I have to be honest and admit that I’ve often done so to the detriment of forging real bonds with people I can see face-to-face.  I’ve let the internet be my support network.  Which is fine, but not as one’s ONLY support group, you know?

Hell, when it comes down to it, I kinda have an internet addiction.  I’m at a point at which there are big changes underway in my life, and I’m committed to being and doing better.  So one of the things I’m trying to do is get out there, spend some time with local people, and that sort of thing.  I didn’t really intend to step away from the ‘net so much, but while this has been going on, it’s sort of felt right.

I’m not dead, I’m not dying, I’m not depressed…well, I have been depressed, but I’m actually in a phase of getting better.  Much better, I think, and I don’t think I’m fooling myself to believe so.  And it’s not y’all, it’s me.  (Heheheh, had to work in a breakup cliche here!)  Y’all know I love ya.  Pretty much all of you have my email address – and if you don’t, duh, look in the sidebar! – and hell, most of you have my phone number.  Y’all can holler if you want, whenever you want.  It’s all good.

At some point, I intend to come back – when I’ve let my pendulum swing too far on the not-so-much-with-the-online-stuff side for a while and then come back to find a nice balance.  For now, though, I’m just going to walk my walk and think about it internally, and I’ll bore you all with the details some other time.

Don’t ask me why, but this song has been on my mind for a week or so now.  It feels appropriate for the moment, though, so I’m going to throw it up here as my last Monday Music for a while.

Neil Young, “Heart of Gold”

Love and serenity to all of you.

Catch ya on the flip side.  😉

TB

Monday Music

It’s funny, really.  I’m still sort of wrestling with a lot of things, what to do with this blog being higher on the list than it probably should be.  I kinda feel like walking away for a while, until it all starts to feel natural again; I also feel like I should keep things going just to maintain some inertia.  Hence me sticking with the MM’s even when I let everything else fall along the wayside.  Call it just a dogged determination.  Or plain stubbornness.  That last one has been hurled at me as an epithet more than once.  I refer you to the old story of my best friend once saying “Chad, you’re such a contrary sumbitch that if you drowned your body would float upstream.”

Heh.

I’ll figure it all out.

Things are really complicated for me right now, and I can’t exactly see where I’m headed, but for the first time in a long time I don’t exactly feel lost, either.  I don’t know where I’m going, but I believe I’m headed in the right direction.

I believe in my choices.

I believe in myself.

These are, for me, pleasant changes.  🙂

Joe Satriani, “I Believe”

Y’all have a good, sleepy, post-DST Monday!

Monday Music

On the other side, things look a lot different.

This is the last day of February.  February is typically a motherfucker in my life.  You’ll recall that just last year I attempted to sever a digit around about this time.  This February has been … interesting.  In a mildly harrowing but mostly growthful sense.  It’s been an opportunity for me to ask some serious questions of myself.  What I believe.  Who I want to be.  What is important.  Shit like that.

I’m reminded of this old favorite of mine.  And not just for the “Dr. Davis, telephone please…” refrain in the beginning, which is repeated as stock audio in so many hospital settings that it’s hysterical.

Queensryche, “Eyes of a Stranger”

But, see here Geoff-with-a-G, sometimes the mirror DOES lie, because your eyes will always interpret it for you…

 

Monday Music

Happy New Year!

New year, new start, new beginning, A New Hope, Use the Force, Luke.

Whoops, I got a little carried away there, huh?  Oh well.  It happens.

My last MM was my send-off to 2010 – it hit me in a lot of different places, but just gave me the determination to face 2011 braver and stronger.  I ended 2010 kinda angrily determined.  I want to start off 2011 a little more cheerily so.  And so it’s with that in mind that I picked out this song, actually a few weeks ago, with which to kick off 2011 on ye olde blog.

Everybody get out your 80s clothes and your dancin’ shoes!

Billy Ocean, “When the Going Gets Tough”

Edit:  Goddamn the disabled embedding!!  I tried several different videos and they were all hijacked.  Oh well.  Click above or click this link HERE to watch the video.  Tap your feet.  You’ll be glad you did.

May 2011 be a fantastic year full of peace, joy, and love for all of us!

Monday Music

Again, have a day off and I almost forget it’s Monday!  I’m too busy hanging around watching movies and playing video games with the ol’ Boy.  It’s a good ol’ time.  I hope you all had a wonderful holiday so far, didn’t eat or drink too much, and you got all that you wanted – both under the Christmas tree and, uh, other locations as well, heheheheheheheh.

2010 was one crazy and occasionally fucked-up year for yours truly, but it’s been a trial that has done a lot to determine new paths in my life.  Some of those paths are much less clear than others, heh, but my feet are moving after standing still for far too long.  For that, I’m grateful.

Still, I’m going to send one last FUCK YOU to 2010 – this is my flipoff New Year song, to be followed by my merry dancey-feet New Year song that I already have picked out for next Monday.

Damageplan, “Breathing New Life”

Breathing new life back into me…

Yep.  You were a pain in the ass, 2010, but thanks for that, at least!

Here’s to 2011!

Monday Music

Some days the rain and sun come together and make a beautiful rainbow.

The rain hasn’t completely died out for me – there are droplets falling all around me, on me, into me.  And not all of the droplets falling from my face are raindrops.

But even though the body of the storm is still visible on the horizon – even though there was damage done that will need to be repaired with patient labor – even though stray raindrops still fall – I’ve weathered it.  It’s done.  The worst is past.

The sun is peeking through the clouds.

And I know my rainbow is right around the bend.  I’m just keeping my eyes on the sky, because any minute it will appear.  It’s there, I can feel it.  And my feet are already working in the direction of that rainbow bridge to my magnificent future.

Led Zeppelin, “The Rain Song”

Hearing Voices

My therapist works on the ninth floor of an enormous office building built in 1928 – the year before the Depression started.  And it shows.  The halls are lined with dark wood, smelling of lemon oil; a few doorways to the larger suites are lined with marble.  There are mail-drop tubes at strategic intervals – I love those things; they remind me of old Bugs Bunny cartoons, or of The Shadow.

But strangely for such a large building, I rarely see people when I visit.  I’ve been there at different times of day, on different days, in different months over the past several years (not for this therapist but for a number of reasons – it’s a BIG building and in a strategic location for all sorts of businesses), and the emptiness of this big place is sort of striking.  With its particular decor, the emptiness makes it almost seem like something out of Rapture

So as I left the office yesterday, I thought nothing of whipping open my phone and calling Dys about dinner ideas.  It’s a little echo-y in the halls with the hard tile floor, but whatever.

Surprisingly, when the elevator opened, there were people within on their way down from higher floors.  Not one, but TWO!  A fellow wearing a stocking cap and jacket of a local university, and a lady in typical office dress and wearing a long-ish leather (faux leather?) coat.  This was a first for me.   But as Dys answered the phone at that exact instant, I decided to carry on.

“Got any dinner ideas?” I asked.
“Not really,” says Dys.
“Nope.”  says leather-coat lady.

I blinked.

“Know what’s in the fridge?” says I.
“Uh, I think there’s some shrimp in there,” says Dys.
“Nothin’,” says leather-coat lady, shaking her head.

By this time I was completely distracted.

“Uh, thoughts?” I asked.
“I’m not sure,” said Dys.
“Chinese for two,” says leather-coat lady, still shaking her head.

“I’ll think about it and get back to you,” I told Dys, and we hung up the phone.

Boy had leftover pizza for dinner.

Dys and I had Chinese for two.