I’m just going to throw this out there to be evocative.  Do not take literally, repeat, do not take literally.  Everybody just go ahead and agree not to panic or call the men in white jackets quite yet, okay?

For weakness is a magnet…

Somebody told me a day or two ago that I’ve yet to hit rock bottom.  I know that’s true, and told this person so, but I said I was trying to keep the last little bit for controlled dives in my therapist’s office.

So much for THAT.

A couple of things smacked me yesterday, from first thing in the morning all the way up until midnight, and as of this morning I have to confess that, fuck, I’ve STILL got a long way to go.  There is a shitpot full of misery and anger and despair and depression and maybe still a little more anger that I think I am still not even allowing myself to take in my hands and hold, much less let go.

One day, one hour, one minute at a time I hold my shit together and do the things I’ve got to do to get through the day.  Some of those days/hours/minutes I can hold it together more tightly than others.  But, goddamn, after a few decades of feeling like shit, it strikes me this morning as fucking frustrating to blink your eyes and realize that, gee, this has not yet begun to suck.

My therapist thinks I’m doing a fantastic job.  She marvels at the progress I’ve made each time I see her.  Well, this is going to be one of those times where I take a giant step backward in order to move forward.  And it sucks that I’ll have to wait to talk to her about it.

If rock bottom is where I need to start my climb, then fuck it.  Sometimes you just have to close your eyes and take the dive.  No matter where on the cliff you are.

Damn.  Life is a hormonal bitch, and on some days, she forgets her coffee.


12 Responses

  1. You haven’t been running, have you. Tsk, tsk.

    One thing I’ve found to be even more mentally rewarding than self-medicating with alcohol is…running until I puke. Seriously. It’s a great way to expend all the nervous energy I build up sitting in my office and biting my nails all day.

    It’s that easy to see, isn’t it?

    Absolutely true. I’ve definitely been wishing for it, but not being able to do anything in the mornings nowadays put a real cramp in it – and spending 5 hours a week going to, being in, and coming from some form of therapy means less time already to spend with the Boy. So far exercise has taken a back seat, and my gut shows it.

    I know that’s something that has to change, and I’m actively thinking about how to change it, but so far I haven’t made it work. I need to, and I will.

  2. The process of opening is a long one. Have patience and breathe, and I agree with your therapist that you’re doing a good job. It’s work, truly, and I know you’ll manage it.

    I think I was too busy patting myself on the back to see how much work there really was to do. But thanks. I keep wanting to believe that if I do a great job, I can do it quickly, but I think this is one of those situations in which an adequate job cannot be done quickly. Period.

  3. Lots of thoughts this morning. I don’t have time to comment on all of them. We’re under tornado watch and I really have to get Dude started on school this morning.

    We had the tornado weather yesterday, so duck and cover!

    On the coffee thing- “Yes, yes I do! But not THIS morning, so you can relax.” 😉


    On running (per Marie)- I find the active meditation of running really does help. So, have you been running? If not, go run and see if it helps you hold your shit together a little bit better.

    I’m gonna try, not sure when but SOON.

    • Do I really need to quote Yoda at you?

      Okay, HAH! YOU GOT ME! 😀

      • It’s actually a common saying in our house. We use it on Dude often since he near idolizes Yoda. Of course, I was reading this while he was working on school, so it popped into my head.

        Well, nobody can really argue with a 900-year-old lightsaber-slinging gymnastic badass. Don’ matter how stumpy.

  4. You’re still doing just as great as you were before you realized how far you have to go.

    I agree with Marie and OS, exercise will help you! Go back to that park with The Boy and combine spending time with him, with giving yourself some mental peace. Or, try to recall one thing that you’ve done, one activity that put you in a happier frame of mind, and repeat that. Was it when you were playing and recording? Was it when you were on that trail taking pictures? You’ve been under a lot of stress with your work lately, so it’s not surprising that you feel like you’ve taken a couple of steps backwards. Maybe you have, but I bet you’ll find they were baby steps, not giant man-leaps.

    😀 Hugs to you, my friend!

    Thanks, babe!

    I think I need a combo. Quality Boy time – quality alone time – happy-activity time. I have lots of that in mind, I just need to pick an option and find a way to make it work.

  5. don’t look at how far you have left to go. look at how far you’ve come already. so what if you have to step backward to move forward? it’s life. sometimes it sucks and sometimes it *really* sucks. eventually it will be worth it.

    That’s true.

    meanwhile, cut yourself some fucking slack. you’re not in rehab, eating your hair (ok i know you’re bald but stfu you know what i mean), refusing to get out of bed for weeks at a time, sleeping on the streets. if you were? i bet every person here would still have your back.

    I dunno, that hair-eating thing sounds interesting. Refusing to get out of bed for weeks at a time? ABSOLUTELY, SIGN ME UP.

    *not trying to invalidate your feelings, by the way. it can be damn hard to admit to yourself how far you have left to go to become the man you want to be.

    as far as coping strategies, i suggest excessive levels of chocolate. forget running. running is for the slackers who don’t have the willpower to eat a pound of chocolate every day.


  6. I like the chocolate idea. Why run? Who’s chasing you? 😉

    An army of creditors?

    If you continue to think about how far you’ve got to go, you’ll discourage yourself. Every once in a while you’ve got to fly blind.

    Sometimes you have to.

    An excellent point, madam.

  7. Good on you TB, most people just bury their heads in the sand about the harder things in their lives, and just try and battle on in utter misery. Kudos to ya, my friend.

    P.S. Ordinarily, I would mega-agree that chocolate pisses all over running any day, but for the last month, I have been walking/jogging every day, and I have to say my mental state has been so much better for it. Can’t give up Maccas though.

    Running makes it easier to justify MORE Maccas, right? 🙂

  8. It’s like when I’d teach someone tennis. Because they had little or no background in it (and I was such an awesome teacher) they’d improve rapidly. They’d be excited to come to the courts. They’d work on what they were supposed to work on marveling at (I have to assume) just how awesome a teacher I was.

    Then they would hit their first plateau.

    It’s that point where many would lose interest or get frustrated. What they didn’t understand (because, although they had an awesome teacher, they were sucky students) is it really is at the plateaus when the actual improvement is being made. It’s when the instruction would begin to take hold and they’d begin to set in sense memory.

    And that’s where the true learning would begin. Then they’d start another climb but it wouldn’t be as rapid or, to some, as gratifying even though it was going to give them a bedrock. It’s at this level when they’re seemingly learning less but, in reality, it’s making their foundation stronger. Even if they don’t realize it for years.

    I had a mediocre who wanted to get good enough to coach his schools team (he taught there) whenever the coach at the time retired. Okay, so I took his game as far as he could go, psychically, then started in on the minutiae of the game and the troubleshooting he’d need as a coach.

    I didn’t see him for years. One day I run into him and he did get a coaching job. While we’re talking he told me that, many times, he had no idea what I was talking about when he was a student but, when he started to implement it live everything fell into place.

    Whenever anyone gets frustrated with how things are going during a learning curve (which, as you may notice, is not called a learning rocket) I always use a phrase uttered by Rod Laver, ‘It takes five years to make a player and ten years to make a champion.’

    No matter what you’re trying to accomplish, you’ve got to get to the wood shed and put in the time. When you do there is nothing else to do other than get better.

    MAN. I want to print this comment out and post it on my wall behind my computer monitor. This is awesome, Z. THANKS!

  9. Since I avoid therapy due to an ugly childhood experience with mine telling my mother EVERYTHING, my life might not be te best example, but…

    I think, even if I haven’t gone back and read anything that a lot of my peaks, and many of the valleys, were out there for everyone to see and read about…and none of it was easy. I am not “better,” but I am “alright.”

    Just keep working.

    And find your release.

    Yeah, your therapy thing still makes me outraged.

    I’ve been telling myself I’m “all right” for a long time – I finally WANT to be better!

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