Surfacing

So, some of you may have noticed the change in tone in ye olde blog lately.  Some of you may have even said (to yourselves, if you said in my direction you kept it really quiet) “About fucking time.”  A few of you may have even said “oh, fuck, here we go again.”  All of those sentiments have some basis in reality.

Here’s the thing.  Just like everybody on earth, ol’ TB is occasionally vulnerable to the blues.  Just like everybody on earth, I have valid reasons for the blues, and yet I often have the blues for no good reason whatsoever.  It’s not that I’ve been down in the dumps for the entire summer, per se.  I’ve just had a bit of a problem.

I couldn’t connect to my sense of humor.

I’ve been having a little trouble with it on and off since late last fall.  Believe it or not, the whole thumb  episode was a bit of an uptick in my mood, probably because it was just so damned ridiculous that it drew me out of my own head for a bit.  The summer in particular though has been a hard time, as you may have gathered.  Judging from my stats, my prolonged bouts of silence have cost me more than a few readers, which kinda sucks…but in the same time period, as I’ve lost some anonymous contacts I’ve drawn closer to a handful of individuals, and in my humble opinion, speaking as someone who makes friends slowly (if at all), those deeper bonds are worth their weight in platinum.  Or, in the TB-verse, worth their weight in delicious carbon-fiber motorcycle upgrades, even.

The truth is that I’m the type of person who does not always have the easiest time tapping into my feelings to begin with.  When I’m awash in negative feelings like depression or anger or despair, I tamp them all down and put a lid on them in order to keep things moving along…with my job, with my wife, with my child.  The problem being, as a therapist once told me, you can’t just put a cap on these feelings but not those.  When you turn the volume down on one, you turn the volume down on all of them.  For me, I tend to retreat into something approximating this guy.

Pleasant, often.  Amusing, occasionally.  Observant, always.  Efficient, usually.  Not by any means a bad guy to have around.  But not really human, either.

Luckily for me (I’ll let the rest of you debate whether or not it’s lucky for the rest of you) I’ve managed to tap back into my sense of humor in the last week or three.  And, I think (hope?), most of the other stuff too.  For no discernible “reason” that I could pinpoint – no part of my life is really any less fucked up than it was six months or a year ago – but frankly, my dear, I don’t give a fuck.

I think I really just needed to reconnect with my own damned philosophy, which is that there exists not the slightest shred of evidence to suggest that life should be taken seriously.  Even (especially) my own life.  No matter what has happened, is happening, is gonna happen…good, bad, or indifferent…I’m going to keep on kicking around.  Until the day I kick the bucket, of course.  And if I’m doing it right and I’m singularly lucky, I won’t even notice until it’s too late to give a shit.

No reason to keep shuffling my feet along the Way with my head down and my hands in my pockets.  May as well walk with my head held high:  smile, sing, shake hands and make obscene gestures.  And fuck me if I can’t take the biggest joke of all.

So, blogworld…I’m back, muhfuggas.  Did you miss me?

Advertisements

8 Responses

  1. Nod, to all of it. I’ve been bluesy myself, lately. Bill has made mention of it, in a bewildered kind of way. I assure him it’s nothing he IS doing or CAN do. I just need to give myself a mental kick in the ass.

    Plus, well, next week’s activities should be enough to put ANYONE in a positive frame of mind, yes? We’re gonna be so frikkin’ jolly it’ll be nauseating.

    Also, xoxo and (((HUGS)))

    I honestly think that looking forward to next week is one part of what’s helped shake me out of it. I was gonna email you about that, btw! 😀

  2. oooEEEoooEEEooo, here comes the whaaaambulance. (I actually hijacked this comment from my own whiny blog post.)
    JK.

    Heh. Bitch!

    For serious? I’m a big fan of your philosophy — and of you! 😀

    My philosophy is completely stolen from somewhere or other (Malcolm Forbes’ famous quote of “Nobody gets out of life alive” is one part), so that fan club might be big. But there’s plenty o’ room in MY fan club, so welcome aboard!

    (The fandom is mutual, of course. We’ve got a ridiculous mutual admiration society thing going on here.)

  3. Way to go. I don’t know what else to add except that we all support you. 🙂

    Awesome.

    Wait…who’s this “we all”? *puts on tinfoil hat*

  4. Well, as a newbee to your fan club I can’t say I personally noticed down-in-the-dumps posts.

    Well hopefully you’ll find the more-usual (I hope) me an improvement and not an unholy terror that should be blighted from existence. (I’ve heard that last one before.)

    I do loathe those points in time when I know I have my head shoved up my ass but can’t figure out how to squeeze that sucker out like a big pimple.

    Now *there’s* a visual.

    It may be unpleasant, but there’s sure as hell no mistaking what you’re talkin’ about!

  5. You were gone?

    Heehee…

    😀

    KMA. 😀

  6. Heather stole my thunder…so all I have is a whimper. 😦

    Well, then, a quieter KMA to you!

  7. I don’t know if I can take this having human emotions and stuff, TB. Throws me off my game a bit.

    Tell me about it!

    It’s only a bumpy ride for a short spell, buddy.

    I get people coming up to me quite often asking if I’m okay because (as I may have explained in my last post) I’m not telling a joke or I’m just quiet. It annoys me actually. My standard response is,

    “I don’t feel fucking funny. But that can change if you want me to start making fun of you.” I win on both sides: 1) they never want me to 2) they leave me on my own.

    Dude, you are my patron saint of twistedly appropriate comebacks.

  8. i think its going around. I feel lotsa blues lately.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: