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Caution: Rant ahead

Kim says I’m funnier when I’m mad.  If so, I’m about to get goddamn hysterical up in this bitch.  Get your helmets on.

A Mississippi school canceled its prom after a gay girl petitioned their policy that prohibited her from bringing a female date.

Okay, TB.  Deep breaths.  In…out.  Count to ten.  One…two…nope.  Too late.

What the fucking fuck of a fucking hell are these people thinking?

“We haven’t heard any ‘Mississippi people are stupid and backward’ jokes in a whole week, we better put something together to make the national news!  Quick!”

It was just last year that a documentary entitled “Prom Night in Mississippi” was released, following the first racially integrated prom in a small town.  So I suppose some people will say, “Hold on there, TB, they just made it to about 1964 last year.  Maybe we should give them another decade or so to make it to the 1990’s.”  Well, I say fuck that noise.  There ain’t no grace period for stupidity.

Look, people.  I grew up in a town as small-time and backwoods as any town in Mississippi.  I graduated from high school in 1991.  In my day, calling a guy “nigger” would get you beaten up (not a good move in a school that was over 50% black); calling a guy “faggot” probably would get HIM beaten up.  Hardly enlightened.  But you know what?

*peers cautiously from side to side*

There were gay people there even then.  I know, I know.  Shhhhhh.

Better yet, there were girls who went to the prom.  Together.  They called it “stag.”  You know what happened?  Nothing.  They had their pictures taken together, just like I did with my girlfriend.  And I can assure you, there were probably perfectly heterosexual girls who attended that prom together whose relationship was more real and more romantic than mine and my girlfriend’s on my senior prom.

There were pretty strict PDA rules anyway, and the gym wasn’t exactly either secluded or darkened.  Our favorite and least favorite teachers hovered all over the place.  How were you to tell who were the gay ones and who were the straight ones?  That girl slow-dancing with her head on the other girl’s shoulder?  No, honey, they’re not gay.  The one just got dumped, she’s drunk off her ass, and her friend is gamely holding her upright so her aunt the geometry teacher doesn’t figure it out.

In fact, I’m 98% sure that I can tell you the names of two gay girls who attended the prom together a couple of years after I graduated.  They didn’t advertise it.  I think a few other people knew their deal.  They didn’t make it a big deal, and they had as good a time at a small-time high-school prom as it’s really possible to have.

And believe it or not, the school was not crushed by meteors at that time, or any subsequent one.  Do you believe that happy crappy?

But wait!  This girl in Mississippi wants to wear a tuxedo!

Well, holy hellwaters, we can’t be havin’ THAT!  Girls wearing pants?  Fuck, the next thing you know they’ll want to fucking vote.

Oh, shit!  *facepalm*

A girl in a tuxedo?  That’s your big worry?  Holy hell, people, you should be happy.  Dollars to doughnuts it would cause less of a stir than the dress that Moccasin Mike’s escort date wore to our senior prom.  I couldn’t describe any tux that any guy wore to that dance…including my own…but I could sure as hell describe every inch of that particular item.  (Not that there was much to remember, but that only lent to its memorability.)

Allow me to pose a question:  Who the fuck cares who somebody takes as a prom date? If it’s not your own damned significant other, then hell, you’re better off than a lot of people.  If it’s an orangutan in a rented tuxedo, he’s got more functioning brain cells than some of my boys had in their pickled melons on my own particular night of bliss.

If you can stop ’em from flashing nips or lips in their dresses, if you can stop ’em from actually having sex on the gym floor, if you can stop ’em from puking on the DJ, if you can stop ’em from breaking each others’ faces over perceived slights or overly-long glances at each others’ dates, I’d say you’ve done a great fucking job, and all a reasonable human being can do with a couple hundred hormone-soaked teenagers on what at least a third of them have built up as The Most Important and Romantic Night of Their Lives with their One and Truly Forever Love (at Least for the Next Two Months).

Ladies and gentlemen, you’ve got bigger fish to fry than regulating who your high school students can bring as a date.  Get your fucking frying pans and start cookin’.

Your students have enough shit to deal with just in terms of surviving high school.  The gay kids doubly so.  They don’t need you regulating their social calendars, too.

Leave ’em the fuck alone.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled mindless bloggy bullshit, already in progress.

(Fuckin’ fuckity fuckin’ hell.)


11 Responses

  1. Ay-men.

    Also, hello? They canceled the WHOLE prom, just to prevent ONE pair of girls from showing up as a couple? What backwater bullshit mindlessness is this???

    Finally, I’m quite sure that, even before this news article “came out” (har), the entire school already knew the girl was a lesbian. So, what sort of trauma were they trying to prevent from happening at the prom? Which is the hedonistic event of the season, regardless of gender or sexual orientation?

    Feh. Stupid people are stupid.

    Yes, yes, and YES. The fuck?!?

    Also, they’re probably about to have a high-strung sixteen-year-old girl fling a flaming bottle of Miley Cyrus perfume through their car window. I’d watch out for those over-romantic adolescent girls, dey cray-zay…

  2. I made this argument when everyone was griping about the banned gay super bowl ad: banned content always gets more attention and publicity than it would otherwise.

    The “REJECTED” super bowl ad has gotten millions of views online, not to mention all the spoofs and parodies people have created. It’s probably gotten more play online than it would have in the super bowl.

    Yes, these girls could have quietly gone “stag” to the prom, they would have had a great time together and Mississippi would have continued being comfortably bigoted and homophobic until sometime mid-millenium….

    OR they could raise a big stink about not being able to attend the prom as a lesbian couple and bring national attention to the cause.

    Maybe I’m over-thinking things; probably, a couple of 17 year old girls don’t really give a rat’s ass about being the spokespeople for gay America. They probably just wanted to go to the fucking prom. But the good that has come out of all this douchebaggery is that people like us are bitching and moaning about how evil it is to ban the whole prom just to prevent a couple of gay girls from attending it together.

    And maybe, just maybe, next time the issue arises, Itawamba County Agricultural High School will think twice about how it treats its students.

    I’m Kent Brockman, and this has been My 2 Cents.

    Thanks, Kent!

    I agree, making a big stink about it is stoking the whole cycle, and I include myself in that, but in this case I just couldn’t help but blow my stack.

    I think they could have quietly gone stag, but not with one of them in a tux. That’s advertising your relationship in a way that couldn’t really be ignored. But I still say, who cares? There are surely worse things happening at every prom in the country than a couple of girls (or guys) holding hands.

    • Don’t get me wrong– I don’t think ranting about it is unproductive. Making a big stink and stoking the whole cycle is part of what helps incite change. In my own convoluted way, I was commending you 😉

      And yes — there are worse things happening at proms — http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRj-S8Aklcw

      I didn’t think you were saying so, but I’ll take the commendation anyway. It’ll look nice on my wall.

      As for your video – heh, sickly amusing. Too accurate for real comfort, but still funny.

  3. I wish I could ramp up to a rant on this half as eloquent as you have…unfortunately I just can’t clear the “sad” hurdle.

    These people depress the ever-loving-shit out of me.

    Chick in a tuxedo is the issue? really? Sad. Just…so sad.

    I’m pretty sure what they’re REALLY afraid of is that the two of them will *gasp* KISS on the dance floor. Or something.

    Because if there’s one thing that Principle Dipshit knows from watching every volume of “Girls Gone Wild” (purely checking for students violating the high moral standards of Small Town MS, of course) it’s that two girls kissing is the MOST DANGEROUS THING IN THE WORLD!!!

    All the boys would be driven insane on the spot, and all the girls would obviously be compelled to start to do horrible, horrible (yet disturbingly sexy) things in some kind of swirling tornado of teen lust.

    It would be the lust-pocalypse!

    …of course, being the south, and the south being ostensibly “hyper puritan baptist christian whatever” it seems reasonable that his wet-dream-logic MUST be true. Or even possible.

    What it really is, is proof that none of the grownups have a fucking (pun intended) clue what it’s like to be a teenager in America in 2010.

    They still think that camera-phones are for talking, facebook is for Farmville, and that web-cams are too complicated for oh, say, chatroulette.com?

    We grownups can’t stop “teh sexorz” (I’m not cool enough to know what the actual kid-speak phrase is, but I KNOW that wasn’t it) so maybe we should focus on bigger issues, like an economy that hasn’t created a new job since Bill Clinton was in office?

    I wonder if holding a prom would create jobs for florists and formal wear stores and party rental companies and limo services and restaurants and (and this is where it’s gettin’ evil) heaven forbid, hotels…?

    Saving teenagers from themselves, one small town economy at a time. Yay them.

    If Jesus hated homos, he’d have said so. You can quote me on that.

    Actually, your point about florists and formal wear stores and restaurants etc. is an excellent one that I wish I’d thought of.

    People have been trying to save teenagers from themselves since probably Socrates refused to tie his toga respectfully. From my own experience, either the teenagers save themselves, or they don’t – the intervention of adults had little to do with it. And I suppose that thought is so fucking scary that they can’t face it. (Can’t say I wholly blame them there.)

    I think your rant was just fine. And your monitor is probably cleaner.

    • I thought Annie Lennox looked mighty fine in a tuxedo. I’m just sayin…

      I’ve seen better. But the tuxedos had to be altered. 😉

  4. Washington State addressed this issue back in 1992 or 1993. You know, BEFORE I graduated. And those that objected to it were basically yelled down by everyone else who couldn’t care less. Honestly, I believed this to be a non-issue in our country today.

    It’s just “that day” for random, upsetting crap, huh?

    (BTW, I double spaced this!)

    Heheh, great job on the double-spacing!

    I know it’s still an issue, I’m just frustrated by that fact. Grr.

  5. This is why government schools are bad. School is just a social experiment…like the military.

    Don’t get me wrong, there are some things kids just need to learn in school. Like the fact that other people can be rotten assholes. But this just went over the top.

  6. I saw that story yesterday morning and blood almost shot out of my eyeballs.
    We ARE in the year of our Lord 2010, right? Unless we were just transported back to 1955 and no one told me? Because if so I’d like to be pregnant and in my kitchen all day today instead of going to work.

    How would you get YOUR hair into one of those Stepford hairdos? I think I’d pay to see that. 😀

  7. How come their parents aren’t taking center stage? Seriously, all they have to do is call a town meeting and address the throng.

    “What’s the problem here, people? If my little girl want’s to bring that little girl to the prom, well, it’s just fine by me. And do you want to know why? Unlike the rest of you, I won’t spend the next month worrying if my little girl got knocked up.”

    Prom on, bitches!

    Heheheheh. I’m ashamed I didn’t think of that obvious bit!

  8. I went to high school in Arkansas, just one state over from Mississippi. At my senior prom (back in ’91), Cory T. brought his “girlfriend” to prom. The “girl” in question was a drag queen (albeit not a very good one) wearing a helluvalot of make up and a backless dress. Stevie Wonder could tell this was a gay couple.

    Coming from a school where we were required as students to attend “Come to Jesus” assemblies (until yours truly and the rest of the newspaper staff wrote an editorial pointing out how that was illegal) and where one chick wrote a letter to the editor calling all African Americans “monkeys” (I became editor after the previous editor received death threats), NOT ONE PERSON said anything about the hot tranny mess at our prom. Go figure.

    Heh. Was it a case of “who cares?” or “oh dear gawd where do I begin?” 😉

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