A Peek From the Manhole Cover

That’s kinda what today feels like so far.

To the world in general I think I hid it successfully, but had I not been too occupied with other things I would have basically rehashed and posted the first half of this post yesterday.  And linked to it for good measure.  Because I’d spent the last several days largely camped out in the valley of Bleagh again, with only the occasional peek across the mountains.  Seriously, it got to the point that I literally considered stopping on the way home from a Saturday trip and piercing something on impulse.  Just because I felt a need to change who I was and how I felt about myself.

I ran through my typical cycle.

  1. Self-flagellation:  “Damn it, you’re just being depressed, it’s a waste of fucking time, so quit it already.”
  2. Fantasy:  “How big a vehicle would I need to cram all of my indispensable shit into so I can escape to Charlottesville/San Francisco/Anchorage/Honolulu/Stockholm/any place other than where I am right now?”
  3. Delving:  “Okay, let me consider every facet of my life and if/why it fucking sucks”
  4. Repeat Step 1.
  5. Resolution:  “Okay, I’m gonna stop being  a pussy and hit my issues in the face.”
  6. Questioning:  “Which issues are the real ones again?  And what good will come of hitting them?”
  7. Repeat Step 1.
  8. Re-resolution:  “Okay.  I’m going to pick this issue and confront it.”
  9. Delay:  “Not today.”
  10. Repeat Step 1.
  11. Facing the issue
  12. Feeling better

(To be perfectly honest, some of the stuff I accomplished yesterday served to pick me up a bit as well.  It was quite a bit of work, but by the end of it I felt good about what I’d gotten done.)

So, today, I’m feeling a little better about life.  I haven’t decided yet what, if anything, I have to say publicly about my issue(s), but it at least feels honest to be open about what’s been going on with ye olde noggin.  As I said last time, you don’t fix being broken down outside Bleagh by sending postcards from Gigglesville.

Gracias for listening, folks.  More positive and probably more interesting stuff is on the horizon.

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7 Responses

  1. It’s funny that you say you felt like getting something pierced. Years ago I did just that. Just because I felt like I had to do…something. So I pierced my navel and I hated it for an entire year before I took it out. hahaha! Well, I certainly changed myself, I have a lovely scar where that stupid barbell used to be. 😉

    Hope you get to feelin’ better soon, my friend. I might not be writing much but I’m definitely reading and you’re in my thoughts.

    In my defense, the piercing (piercings? I dunno, I wasn’t really specific about it in my thoughts at the time) wasn’t a new idea per se, it was just that I had the impulse to just go fucking do it, you know?

    Thanks for the thoughts.

  2. I have been repeating steps six through nine, multiple times a day, for the past two weeks. Some issues I can pinpoint and TRY to resolve. Other issues are nebulous and just contribute to a general feeling of discontent.

    So. Yeah. Totally know where you’re coming from. Hugs.

    Being stuck in the cycle just fucking sucks, and if there’s anything I can do to pull any friend of mine out of it, I’ll gladly do it. Since I’ve made it through to #12, I’ll be happy to give the hugs to YOU. Big hugs while watching Looney Tunes, even.

    • Now THAT’s a cure for what ails ya!

      Amusingly when I saw this comment pop up on my dashboard I thought it was in reply to the one on Quick Hits about “poking.”

      Either way, I agree. 🙂

  3. You forgot #13-Uncontrollable sobbing
    I’ve been hitting that a lot lately!

    Luckily I’ve dodged that one. But I generally do so by exchanging it for random and misplaced anger.

    Typical guy thing, I guess.

  4. Poor TB. I’m thinking of you.

    Thank you as always for your thoughts. I’ve mostly turned the corner, and had done so by the time I posted.

    I’m bad about that, really – ifI write in the depths of it, it’s usually only for my own consumption. If I can get up the gumption to write publicly, it’s because I’ve reached that tiny bit of resolution that’s necessary to stand up and admit it, ya know?

  5. I go through phases like this once in awhile. I love my life. But I get fixated on the things I don’t like, and I get so bogged down. Basically I’ve been trying to wag more and bark less, you know?

    But I think a lot of us in our age group are looking around and wondering if this is what life is supposed to be. Are we supposed to sit in cubicles all day long making money for other people? What happened to all that cool stuff we were supposed to do when we became grown ups?

    Damn you for pointing out how I could have stated my whole bitchfest in a few short sentences. 🙂

    No, I agree wholeheartedly. There was a huge component of “Is this it?” in my funk.

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