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Damn stupid body.  Last night I was exhausted as hell so I went to bed at 9pm…only to be wide the fuck awake at 3:30, and unable to get back to sleep.


Part of the problem was that that little meeting I had after work last night had to do with my possible career change options, and my little bird brain was swimming in possibilities.  Decisions, decisions.  I should spend more time playing poker.  You know, to get myself more used to making these damned do-or-die choices on imperfect information.  Because generally I suck at it.

I’m also a little down again right now.  Part of that I think I can blame on coming back home after that little “vacation” – just like last time, coming back to the same-old same-old just makes me want to change it more, and makes me gloomy that changes won’t happen overnight.  Then I chide myself for how stupid I’m being, that I have it good overall, but that really doesn’t help too much.  I’ve had Sixx AM’s “Life Is Beautiful” going around in my head for a day or so, which is both good and bad I think.  (At least it reminded me to place a long-overdue request with the local library for The Heroin Diaries.)

I’ll be okay, and a lot less grumpy with myself, when it warms up again in a few days, and after we banish the gremlins that tore through our house and finally clean up behind them a little bit, and after I make a few decisions and can finally tell myself that I’ve put my feet on a path that leads to someplace I want to go.

And maybe catch up on a little sleep.  That wouldn’t hurt, huh?


3 Responses

  1. Lack of sleep is probably part of what’s making you feel down. But I know exactly what you mean – not feeling content with what you have, but feeling guilty about not feeling content because you have it so much better than so many other people.

    Been there, done that. Still doing it, actually.

    So, how do you stop it? Other than smacking yourself silly. That only works for an hour or so anyway. And it makes your coworkers talk about you behind your back.

  2. Well…ya never really catch up on sleep. Ever. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. So hopefully tonight will be better.

    As for feeling better about what you have? If telling yourself over and over again to be thankful and watching the news doesn’t work, go hang out with someone who has lost their job recently. Three of my close friends have lost their jobs over the past two weeks and after my own job woes, it’s made me kick my work up a notch or three and I was already busting my ass to begin with. I don’t have much but I fight to hang onto it, yet I often have to look in the mirror and say “Get over yourself!” when I’m feeling down about these kinds of things.

    Volunteering has always been good for my disposition and perspective too.

    Smacking myself never worked though. I learned early on that kind of pain is temporary. 😉

    I should have gone to hang out with my first cousin’s husband, then. Or better yet, with my mentor who’s got cancer. (Again, I was there, but it was such short notice…if he passes away in March I am going to flog myself for weeks.)

    I should volunteer more, definitely. It’s been on Dys and I’s to-do list for the past year.

    You may not be able to catch up on sleep, but sometimes it sure makes me feel better. And somehow I have this image of Will Smith in “Bad Boys” screaming “My shit ALWAYS works sometimes!!!”

  3. If you can’t sleep…just “rub one out”… Maybe that’ll work for you.


    Usually, yes, but not always.

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