Happy Mother’s Day

“I broke down and bought a pair of cargo shorts.”
She gives me the look.
“What?”
“Finally?  Let’s see ‘em.”

I changed.
“Hmm.  A little longer than I expected, even, but not bad.”
I think you look good.  And sexy.  I like the way your tattoo peeks out there.”
“Be right back, I’m going to buy some more shorts.”

***

“Hey babe, I just saw a commercial and apparently if you drink Miller Chill you can turn me into a hot Latina chick.”

[pause]  “How much is it?”
“Well, I thought you’d leave immediately to go get some, so good for you.”

“Well, it is beer.  Just kidding, babe, I wouldn’t want to change you into a hot Latina chick.”
“Fuck that, what if I want you to change me?”

***

[Watching the movie Ghost Rider]

“I’m not drunk enough to be watching this piece of crap.”

(Later, still watching it)
“I wouldn’t drink Miller Chill to turn you into Eva Mendes, babe.  She’s not hot enough.”
“Yes she is.  You could turn me into Eva Mendes; that would be fine with me.”
“Well, she does have the boobs working for her in that dress…”

***

[Mother’s Day morning]

“Hey, son, who are you talking to in there?”
“Mrs. Butterworth.”
Ah, okay, so we see those talking Mrs. Butterworth bottle commercials all the time on Nick.
“Is she talking back to you?”
“Duh.  No.”  He pauses, then leans in.  “TALK, MRS. BUTTERWORTH!  SPEAK TO ME!”  [shaking the bottle violently]  “TALK!!”

Yep.  My son interrogated Mrs. Butterworth.  All that was missing was the bright light and the Nazi accent.

***
My son addressed my wife’s Mother’s Day card to “Cuty Pants.”  Oedipus lives.

***

You’d think that “Tartar Sauce!” as an expletive wouldn’t get old.  It does.  In a day, even.  Thank you, Spongebob.

***

“Welcome to the Jungle,” “Superstition,” and “Misty Mountain Hop” are surprisingly fun to play on the drums.  Even a kiddie drum kit from Target that your son borrowed from his friend.  That the friend’s family put together all wrong.

***

My wife:  “What did you say, son?”
“I said [something, I forget.]”

“Oh, I thought you said ‘snot boxers!'”
A pause.
[as one of his Lego characters]  “Snot boxers!  What happened?”  [Answering himself as the other Lego character]  “Dude, the castle broke!”

***

“Hey, son, you want to play Halo with me?”
“Yeah, but you can’t shoot me.”
“Can I smack you with my energy sword?”
“Yeah, but don’t kill me.”
“Can I jump on your head?”
“Yeah!”
“Okay.”

***

“I know the noise is probably driving you crazy, but he’s down there playing the drum kit in a white T-shirt and his Pirates do-rag.”

***

Hope you all had a happy Mother’s Day.

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4 Responses

  1. That’s why I don’t watch Spongebob 🙂

    On the scale of things, Spongebob is pretty harmless. Probably more so than the Looney Tunes and Tom & Jerry I’d rather watch.

    Spongebob’s laugh, though, gets old FAST. Especially when your kid adopts it.

  2. So how many pairs of cargo shorts do you now own? LOL

    Still just the one, but I’ll be adding more. Once I got used to how long they were, they were kinda comfy. But they’re so long that they don’t look right with a shirt tucked in, which is how I usually dress. It’s a tradeoff.

    Amusingly, after I had ’em on for half an hour or so, I noticed they had ties inside the waistline, almost like a swimsuit. I pulled them out and showed my wife. She laughed. I said, “You know, you HAVE to make adjustments so you show just the right amount of boxers over the shorts when you wear these.”

    “My son addressed my wife’s Mother’s Day card to “Cuty Pants.”
    That is just sooo innocent and cute. In a few years he’ll cringe at that thought! (But it will be great blackmail material, Dad!)

    I’ll add it to the “Material for my son’s high school graduation collage” stack.

  3. You guys are too cute. Oh, and for the record, Miller Chill is TEH SUCK, but Bud Light with Lime (the new stuff, not a Bud Light with a lime stuck in it, which is what the bartendress tried to give me when I asked for one, when the bottles of the *actual* Bud Light with Lime were sitting next to the bottles of regular Bud Light… but that’s okay, cuz I can drink both) is actually pretty darned good.

    I’ll take your word for it; honestly, I basically never drink anything that hasn’t been distilled. I stick to my bourbon and rum with extremely rare (less than once per year) forays into anything else. But hey, there are so many bourbons and rums out there…

  4. Snot boxers. I think I’m going to have to use that one.

    I too have interrogated Mrs. Butterworth, I think it’s most likely why my mom had switched syrups (I may have used the Nazi accent).

    Playing Halo in your house must have a list of rules a mile long. You are a better person than me, if my husband says I can’t shoot him I take that to mean that I should shoot him a million times.

    Oh, I still shoot him, I just try not to kill him. When you’re playing split screen, you can see when his health is low and just lay off for a bit. There are some problems with that, though. Like when he steps in front of the Warthog the instant I launch the rocket. Or when I’m about to whack him with the energy sword and he turns his back at the last second. Oops. Then he’s pissed.

    Of course, he’s allowed to whack me in the back all he wants. Dang kids.

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