Home from the Holidays

Hey folks, I’m baaaaack!

Happy New Year to y’all. And DAMN where’d this cold weather come from? A week ago I was sweating in Virginia, three days ago I was outside in a T-shirt, this morning the air temp was in the single digits and the wind chill was below zero and I wore my damned old hunting coveralls from Iowa to work.

I had a great week back in Virginia. Lots of time with the family, including my now one-year-old nephew that I’d only seen for a few days before back this past February. The now-traditional Christmas Day bluegrass jam was a blast for everyone. (Yes, I got to play my uncle’s Taylor some more, and ooooooh was it niiiiiiice. Want one want one want one.)

I had a modest Christmas haul, but honestly I’m at a point in my life at which I don’t need much. I think that’s a fantastic thing to be able to say, and I’m really happy about it. Without a doubt my favorite present was this book, Zen and the Art of the Guitar, from my wife. I’ve been working on the first lesson for a week, I haven’t even gone beyond that, and I’m still excited about it. It’s already got me motivated (playing with the family also helped) and I’m really looking forward to moving through it.

My son had a wonderful holiday getting to play with his cousins, my brother’s dogs as they romped with ours, and as always taking a few walks in the woods with Dad like we always do there in the country.

My wife got some well-deserved rest, and some girl time with my mom and sister-in-law. Oh, and a bit of baby-time with the nephew.

I reconnected with my family, my music, and a few other bits of my past (another blog to come). And if I didn’t gain 10 pounds from home cookin’ and holiday desserts, I’ll be amazed.

And now, here’s my holiday in quotes. (With more possibly to be added as my wife corrects me.)

“Geez, babe, you’re still up? You never went to sleep last night?”
“Nope, worked all night.”
“Boy, this is gonna be a fun drive.”

“Damn. I’m getting a cramp in my leg from holding my foot OFF the accelerator.”
“Yeah, c’mon people, it ain’t Sunday.”
“On this road, every day is Sunday afternoon.”

“Oh my god, it’s not your ass, it’s your BREATH!!” (She was talking about my sister-in-law’s little fuzzball lapdog.)

(As my mother prepares for her big family gathering on the Sunday before Christmas) “Why are you making all this food to take to a potluck?”
“Because a whole ton of people won’t bring anything. Tell you what. You watch. Natalie will bring a plate of lasagna and a cheesecake, and nobody else from her whole side of the family will bring anything. Elizabeth will bring six or seven people, and one tray of devilled eggs. Aunt Virginia will bring two buckets of KFC and a cheesecake. Other than that, me and mama and Aunt Eunice’s family will have to bring enough for everybody to eat.”
(The day of the gathering, after we left) “Did I call it, or what?”
“You nailed it.”

(My grandfather, who’s in his late 70s) “I like my coffee like I like my women.”
(My wife) “Hot and strong?”
“Hot and black.”
“PAPA! You made me blush!”
*laughing hysterically*

“Hey, I gave bourbon advice to a guy Dad knew in the liquor store and didn’t even charge for it.”

“It’s so good to see you!!”
“Yeah, you too! It’s been a while.”
“Looks like I’m early, who else is here?”
“Well, [cousin] and his girlfriend are here.”
“[Cousin] has a girlfriend?”
“Yeah, she’s the one who’s about [my 8-year-old son’s] height.”

“Here, check out my new banjo I got in Galax.”
“Damn, it’s heavy!”
“Yeah, like a cinder block. In fact, that’s how you practice carrying it. You strap a cinder block around your neck and walk around for a few days.”

“Oh, I don’t want to horn in on your family time. I’ve never played with them before; I don’t want to mess them up.”
“TB has never played with them before, either. You won’t mess them up any more than he will.”

“I was in Wal-Mart for 20 minutes and I saw my old preacher, another lady from my old church, and a weird guy I went to high school with that now looks even weirder.”

“What do we want to open with?”
(Here my cousin with the banjo launches directly into the ‘Foggy Mountain Breakdown.’)

“Do you play it in C?”
“Naw, I think we play it in B.”
“No, I think it’s C.”
“I think it’s B. What’s that chord? Oh, forget it, just capo it at the 4th fret and use the G form chords from there.”

“Hey, if the band wants audience participation, you guys should do the ‘*Thbbpptt* You Were Gone‘ song from Hee Haw. Just work it into the end of something or other.”

“We were out walking in your backyard next to the treeline and scared up a deer.”

“That’s it. Quit calling this sawed-off grizzly bear of yours a ‘dog.’ I ain’t buyin’ it no more.”

“Ewoks for the win!!!”

“Killed by an Ewok. Now that’s humiliating.”

“Watch out for Mace Windu. He’s had it with these snakes on this plane.”

“I know [cousin] says he’s 6’8″, but the door frames are 6’8″ and he’s ducking under them every time. I say he’s at least 6’10”. Thank god he’s finally put on some weight, he doesn’t look so fragile now.”

“Maybe we should make another batch of preacher’s cookies.”

“This the first time you’ve been here?”

“Hah! Not by a long shot, my man.”

“What’s this picture of?”
“This is my old dorm. THIS is the monstrosity of a dorm they’ve built below and to the right of it. And THIS is the monstrosity of a dorm they’re currently building above and behind it.”

“Gee. All that walking in the mountains and for some reason my legs are sore.”

“That’s a lot of $1 bills. I told you to stop stripping in front of Wal-Mart.”
“Well, that’s where I see everybody I know. You don’t think strangers are going to give me $1 bills, do you?”

“Do you think he’s too young for the BB gun? Maybe I got ahead of myself a bit.”
“Only one way to find out.”
“Well, I guess in some ways it’s better for him to have one around before he’s old enough to get overly excited about it and start sneaking it out to shoot birds or something.”

“When [cousin] said something about his dental problems, I kept waiting for you to say something!”
“Yeah, me too!”
“I was surprised you didn’t say anything.”
“What, that maybe it had a little something to do with the METH? I thought it but I controlled myself. I was proud that I kept it in!”

“He wants us to come over and check out his new gun.”
“Your brother’s finally gone full-on redneck, huh?”
“I guess so. Oh well. It works for him.”

“See that clump of trees way back from the waterline? [My brother] and I fished there in the spring.”
“Whoa, that’s how far from the waterline now? 50 yards? I’d swear that you could actually walk across the lake at that point right now.”

“Nice knockers, babe.”
“Thanks. Whenever someone asks me about my best feature, I always say ‘My knockers.'”

“Well, your fantastic BJ skills just aren’t apparent to a casual observer.”

“He says he got a 7-pointer!”

(an hour or so later) “He’s got the deer back to the truck but now the truck won’t start.”

“That bank thermometer over there says 47 degrees. I’d say we can’t do this rest-stop PBJ lunch at anything less than 50 degrees anymore.”
“That trip to Iowa in February is gonna suck.”

“Geez. I’m not sure I ever thought I’d say it, but Dick Clark’s really going downhill. His voice sounds awful. Still looks the same as he did in 1985, though.”

“God DAMN those Ewoks! ARGH!!”


4 Responses

  1. Hey, if the band wants audience participation, you guys should do the ‘*Thbbpptt* You Were Gone‘ song from Hee Haw.


    Glad you had a wonderful holiday. I’m still laughing over the strippin’ in front of WalMart comments.

  2. […] both of our markets it was followed by Lawrence Welk).  I mentioned to her the bit that I’d blogged back when we got back from Virginia, in which I told my brother that if his bluegrass band wanted […]

  3. […] it’s now more or less official…Dys, the boy, the dog and I are making the trek back to Virginia for Christmas again this year.  It’ll be the first time we spent two Christmases there in a row since we […]

  4. […] by Taoist Biker under Fun Stuff, Music   If you wanna know what my holiday will be like, last year’s blog will probably be the closest approximation.  I’m sure I’ll have lots more to add when […]

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