The Taoist Biker “Date” Application

I admit it. I’m a derivative hack. But at least I enjoy myself.

See, one of my very favoritest bloggers, Vix the Overeducated Nympho, got so tired of being hit on that she wrote up a “Proposition Application to be Considered for Sexual Interaction and/or Discourse.” I fucking loved it. In fact, I loved it so much that not only did I actually submit an application when she first posted it, but again when she reposted it recently.

After my second application, I was thinking about it later that evening. (Okay, it was while I was washing dishes. What do YOU do while YOU wash dishes? Field-strip your M-14? Anyway.) I was thinking…what kinds of questions would I ask? So, I blatantly ripped Vix off. Hers is still funnier, but I at least like mine. And my wife liked it enough that she helped me pick out a few more questions to add. Woohoo!

Here β€˜tis. Go ahead. Cut and paste it, answer it, and submit it to taobikerblog (at) gmail.com. Over/under on completed applications is 1.5…and I’m betting the under.

PROPOSITION APPLICATION TO BE CONSIDERED FOR SEXUAL INTERACTION AND/OR DISCOURSE

Before you begin, understand this:

1) To my gay male readers, I appreciate the attention, but it’s not gonna happen.

2) To my female readers, well, it’s not gonna happen for you, either. I’m married to a great, smart, funny, and hot gal, and I like it that way. But you’re still welcome to make me laugh.

3) (As far as you know,) I’m an average-looking guy in his 30s in reasonably good shape with a wife, a kid, and a mortgage. I’m not an athlete and I don’t make a lot of money. Still interested? Liar.

Please answer the following questions. Lying is cause for disqualification. Unless you’re really funny.

Name (and/or common aliases):

Age (by the half-plus-seven rule, technically ages 24-52 are fair game. Yeah. Right. Unless you’re 28-38, you can pretty much forget it.)

Do you smoke? If “yes,” you can skip the rest of this application, buh-bye now.

Relationship status:

If I called three random contacts from your cell phone, would they verify that? Especially this one here named “Snuggly-poo?” Or this one named “Baby Daddy?”

Location:

Oh, come on. I’m not a stalker. Fine, just say which time zone.

Do you have an accent? If so, what?

Current occupation:

Aspiring occupation: (“Actress” gets you disqualified unless you’re referring to porn. “Singer” may get you bonus points or disqualified, depending on whether or not your music sucks.)

Height (with and without your favorite heels):

Weight:
Just kidding. I really don’t give a shit how much you weigh, as long as you carry it with a sexy attitude. However, there is a caveat to that:

I’m 5’9″ and 195 pounds. I’m a (modestly talented) weightlifter. And yes, I know that according to BMI charts that makes me obese. Fuck the BMI charts. Now, to the point: Are you so small and/or slight that vigorous sex with you would result in injury to either of us?

Do you have curves? If not, sorry. I’m straight. I don’t like boys or girls who look like boys. Go eat a pizza and a few pints of Ben & Jerry’s and call me when you look like a woman.

Prove it. Measurements:

No, honey, WITHOUT the Wonderbra and your CurvesTM inserts.

Okay. Any tattoos or piercings worth noting? (Usually this results in bonus points, unless you have a backpiece of the New Kids On The Block.)

Are you a vegetarian? If so, thanks, you can stop now.

What’s the funniest thing I’ve ever written?

So, would a guy following my “How to ask a girl out” advice have a shot in hell with you?

Well, thanks for being honest, at least.

How far are you willing to fly/drive/swim/walk for a booty call?

Are you funny? Do your guy friends agree, or are you just giggly sorority-girl funny?

Are you at least hot enough to make up for the fact that you are not funny? Never mind. If you’ve got no sense of humor, there’s no such thing as being hot enough.

Do you list yourself as “bisexual” on your MySpace profile?

Full of shit, aren’t you?

Yeah, right. Cut the crap. Making out in front of a room full of guys, drunk or sober, doesn’t count. Attention whore.

How many guys have you slept with? Oops, no wait, fucking technicalities. How many guys have you had sex with? No, skip that, I saw Clerks. How many penises have you touched? Oh, fuck this. I don’t even wanna know. Just skip to the next question.

How many girls have you had sex with? As in, penetration and/or oral sex was achieved?

Damn it, are you lying again? If you’re straight, just say so. Have some self-respect.

Classify your orgasms (check all that apply)
___ I don’t orgasm.
___ I orgasm, but only after a jaw-cramping hour of oral sex.
___ I orgasm easily and/or quickly.
___ Not every 30 seconds, but not once an hour, either.
___ Small orgasms. But they’re still fun.
___ HUGE, earth-shattering orgasms.
___ Multiples, baby.
___ I hope you don’t share a wall.
___ I fake. (Please fold your application in half, stick it up your ass, and light it on fire.)

What’s your record for making a guy orgasm in 24 hours?

Was that guy over 25? No? Okay, we’ll multiply your number by 0.6.

What’s your ideal male:female orgasm ratio during a good weekend of sex?

Classify your views of semen on your body (check all that apply)
___ Keep it out of my eyes.
___ Keep it out of my hair.
___ Not on the face.
___ Not on the boobs.
___ That’s so degrading! You should be ashamed of yourself!
___ WHAT on my body?!?
___ Can’t I just always swallow? Yum.

Ever ridden a motorcycle? (Harleys count.)

Ever ridden solo (not on the back of someone else’s bike)?

Got your own helmet?

Your own leathers? (If so, attach pic of you wearing leathers for, uh, research. Yeah.)

Classify your PMS (check all that apply)
___ I don’t have PMS.
___ PMS is a myth that bitches use to be even more bitchy.
___ I’m a little cranky, but some good fucking straightens me out.
___ Bring me some ice cream and leave me the fuck alone, and nobody gets hurt.
___ I’m good for 3-5 days of pure hell a month. Hope you have a comfy couch.

Anything else you want to brag about to score bonus points? (IQ, salary, SAT/LSAT/MCAT score, Ducati in your garage, etc.)

You’ll gladly drink (check all that apply):
____ Beer
____ Rum
____ Wine
____ Chardonnay
____ Champagne
____ Bourbon
____ Vodka
____ Amaretto
____ Scotch
____ Anything fruity, especially if the bartender is cute! *giggle*
____ Water
____ Milk
____ Pepsi (please explain)
____ Coke

Do you find any of the following sexy: (explain if necessary)
_______ Chest hair
_______ Shaved heads
_______ Long-haired guys
_______ Guitar players
_______ Bass players
_______ Drummers
_______ Guys who can dance
_______ Beer guts
_______ Guys who smoke
_______ Older guys (Sean Connery is an exception)
_______ Martial artists
_______ Guys who collect comic books
_______ Light bondage
_______ Strippers (female)
_______ Other (please explain)

Do you have a big frilly canopy bed?

What is the ratio of candles to sex toys in your bedroom?

Any stuffed animals in there? Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me.

Will you let me handcuff you to the bed and force you to watch Faster over and over again before I have my evil way with you?

Favorite sex music (Boy bands are grounds for immediate disqualification):

Who’s your favorite member of Dethklok?

Did you have to look them up on the internet? Liar.

Opeth: Death metal or prog-rock?

Never heard of β€˜em, have you? Well, could you stomach a death metal concert?

Do you know what a Kegel is?

Do you ever say any of the following during sexual encounters:
______ vagina
______ cunt
______ pee-pee
______ Massive Sword of Masculinity
______ making love
______ making whoopie-pie
______ it itches
______ put it where?
______ Krull the Warrior King
______ is it supposed to do that?
______ ew.
______ GIDDYAP!

Hours per week spent with following:
___ TiVo
___ Ben & Jerry
___ Your annoying girlfriends
___ Your one smoking hot girlfriend that you watch like a hawk around your man
___ Your gay male friend
___ Your “OMG my totally best platonic male friend ever! NO, I’m not cheating on you! I’d never have sex with him, he’s like my brother!!”
___ Your mother

In your emails do you (check all that apply):
____ Capitalize where appropriate
____ Use appropriate punctuation
____ Know how to spell
____ Know the difference between “your” and “you’re”
____ use an emoticon at the end of every sentence
____ use a heart “<3” at least three times in any paragraph

Five players left in a single table tournament. Blinds are $50/100, with no antes. You are in third position, with Ac-Kc. The hand is folded to you. You have $600 left in your stack. You call. Everyone else folds around to the big blind, who checks, leaving $500 in his stack. The flop comes 3c 8h 6d. The big blind bets $125. You:

___ Call
___ Fold
___ Raise $125
___ Raise $250
___ Raise all-in
___ What the fuck are you talking about?

What is the first note (including string and fret position) of Eric Johnson’s “Cliffs of Dover?”

What is the primary ability of a barbarian?

PLEASE IDENTIFY FOLLOWING CULTURAL REFERENCES:

(so I know I can hang around you for more than an hour without awkward silence or bladed implements)

“If you’re all right, say something.” “‘Something.'”

“The truth knocks on the door and you say, go away, I’m looking for the truth, and it goes away. Puzzling.”

“In the beegeeneeng, my rheeethm, eet is not good, but then I see ees possible overtake Biaggi, so I ween. Thanks to all my teem and Meesheleen. Ciao.”

“Meddle not in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.”

“On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.”

“And then, dear diary, [Sheeni] gave me the best Christmas present a teen could ever wish for.”

“I attempt to disbelieve.”

“Oota goota, Solo?”

“Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.”

“With my spear and magic helmet.”

“Steel isn’t strong, boy. Flesh is stronger.”

“Was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?” “No.” “Why am I the only one who has that dream?”

“Here’s the first of the day, fellas. To ol’ D. H. Lawrence.”

“Hello. Do you want to roll in ze hay? It’s fun! Roll, roll, roll in ze hay!”

“Dyin’ ain’t much of a livin’, boy.”

MUSIC SECTION

Sing the next line to each song. Bonus points for getting the right key.

“Give to me your leather…”
(Sub-challenge: Can you sing both parts of the harmony? β€˜Cause I can’t do the high part in the chorus.)

“You’re my blue sky, you’re my sunny day…”

“There was this long lovely dancer in a little club downtown…”

“Oh, baby don’t you want to go, back to the land of California…”

“Oh, I love my baby, she’s long and lean…”

“You know I’m born to lose, and gambling’s for fools…”

“Holy Mary, Mother may I?…”

“Blank face in the windowpane…”

“I got rice cookin’ in the microwave…”

“How will I laugh tomorrow…”

“So, understand, don’t waste your time always searching for those…”

“Summerland, in my past…”

“This is my kind of love, it’s the kind that moves on…”

“Saturn comes back around. Lifts you up like a child, or…”

“‘Cause I am due for a miracle, I’m waiting for a sign…”

“It’s not the pain inside yourself, that tears the deepest wounds…”

REQUIRED ESSAY (500 word minimum)
Explain why sex with you is better than going for a ride on my motorcycle.

REQUIRED SHORT ANSWER SECTION
Please state your formal proposition. Originality is a bonus.

REQUIRED REFERENCES (please provide valid phone numbers)
-one ex-boyfriend to confirm that you’re not a psycho, a stalker, or prone to unreasonable PMSing.

-two most recent guys you’ve slept with, commenting on the following: skill, enthusiasm, strength, endurance, attention, courtesy in bed, knows location of frenulum, willingness to experiment, and/or whether or not you started crying at inopportune moments.

BONUS POINTS
Mentioning burnouts, power chords, check-raising, obscure metal bands, obscure comic book characters, displaying knowledge of motorcycle roadracing, and of course describing a sexual situation that makes my ears flush enough that I go put cold water on them.

How many times did you lie on this application?

Really? That many? Sheesh, even I know I’m not worth that!

That’s it. That’s the end. Thank you for submitting your application. You are number…let me check…at last count…1 in line. As soon as my wife lets me borrow my balls for a few minutes, I’ll review your application. And then she’ll look it over, probably. If you make us both laugh…well, there’s still no chance. But thank you for playing, and here’s a lovely copy of our home game.

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9 Responses

  1. I was gonna fill this out just for the hell of it, but 1) I don’t know you well enough and my sense of humor might go over like a fart in church would; 2) I can’t play poker, guitar, and I spend more time with my mother than anybody else I know; and 3) There’s always the off chance I might be more interested in your wife πŸ˜€ so I’m just going to disqualify myself.

  2. Well, damn. And here I saw a comment on this and got all excited.

    (As for your sense of humor, for the record, I’m very difficult to offend. And a fart in a church would make me laugh pretty damned hard.)

  3. […] what the hell, we already know that I work best when given a little something to run with. Β  So challenge me, rattle my helmeted […]

  4. I’d be interested to see how many women could pass this. I’d also be interested in their phone number too.

    This list rocks. Oh… and I’d definitely Push pre flop, last 5 or not… my M is about 4, it’s not going to get nicer than suited slick. If I bust out against a wired pocket, then c’est la vie.

    πŸ˜‰

    The unders are still winning the bet!

  5. LOVED this, as did my biker partner. Thank you for making me laugh!

    Glad somebody enjoyed it! It’s been sitting there collecting dust for months, I think.

  6. Haha I love that you have an app too! I thought about filling it out for kicks and giggles πŸ˜‰

    Rock it, man…you’d be applicant #1! So, you know, just in case I ever decided to swing that way, you could be first in line…

    (I wouldn’t hold your breath. πŸ˜‰ )

  7. Though the poker question frustrated me because I’m still in the process of learning, I can honestly say my favorite member of Dethklok is Nathan Explosion (I always go for the lead singer with the notable exception of Motley Crue). Not only did I not have to look them up, I’m sitting here looking at a small poster of them which sits on our computer desk. I didn’t think anyone else in the world knew them.
    I’ve been to one Cannibal Corpse concert, but that was when my husband and I had just started dating and it was still important to look cool. I prefer classic or southern rock, and Johnny Cash.
    Apropos of nothing: Hollywood Nights by Bob Segar always always makes me wish I was on the back of a Harley riding somewhere out west at dusk. I can’t explain why, since the only long bike trip I’ve been was to the end of Long Island and back during the daytime. I’ve never not been on the back of the bike. But it’s where I’d like to be every day. Maybe someday we’ll be able to afford one, but probably not.
    One more: Every time I read the word “kegel” I automatically do a couple.

    Hah! Awesomeness. I need to sit down and watch Skwisgaar’s instructional video again.

    “Hollywood Nights” is good driving music, regardless. Seger writes good motorcycle tunes too, though – “Roll Me Away” being an excellent example. I hope you can live that dream someday – there’s really nothing like the open road beneath two wheels!

  8. Did Vix fill one of those? I wonder…
    Pretty funny, I love her site and I like yours too. Actually, I like anyone who can make me smile, really!

    Sadly, no, she didn’t return the favor when I filled out hers. πŸ˜€

    Thanks for the compliment, come on back anytime!

  9. what if i send you a photo of my tits? photos are worth a thousand words, you know. and photos of young perky tits must be worth at least like 37,000 words.

    T = 10000WBC

    where T = tit pics
    W = words
    B = bust measurement
    C = inches of cup size

    It’s a base theory. There are bonuses for perkiness, cuteness of nipples, etc, so many that I’d have to do a LOT of research to catalog them all.

    I’m applying for an NSF grant RIGHT NOW.

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