Turning the page

As I sit…well, somewhere, I don’t know where the fuck I am when you’re reading this. It’s December 17th when I’m writing it, fer fuck’s sake. Anyway, I’m thinking about this past year and the things that I’ve done and seen and learned, and as I contemplate a new year ahead, I want to thank a lot of people for their roles in this past one.

Rogue, first, for being a great friend and for allowing me to learn how to be one myself. You’re awesome, short stuff.

Thor, for giving us miscreants a home and letting us work it out for ourselves. Your patience is occasionally astounding.

My regular and semi-regular commenters for gifting me with your insights. Thanks to all of you, especially Sue and Becca.

My readers, even you quiet ones, for making me think that, gee, maybe I DO have something to say that people are interested to hear.

Vix, for giving me inspiration and a ton of laughs along the way.

And finally and most importantly, to my wife and son for continuing to be the inspiration not only for my blog but for my life.

May we all find inspiration both new and renewed in the coming year.

TB

Monday Music

Well, as I said a few weeks ago, I was going to put up Dan Fogelberg’s “Same Old Lang Syne” here, but I used it as a tribute to him on his passing. So, instead, I’ll put up something else in that vein – as the old year ends, here’s another beautiful song about memory and loss.  And hey, what do you know, we have our first repeat-performer on the Monday Music!  Deservedly so.  Jonny is fantastic.  Seriously.  Go see him if he’s ever playing anywhere in your area code.

Jonny Lang, “Irish Angel”

How about a modified Irish blessing: May the new year rise to meet you, may the wind be at your back…

Here’s to fond remembrance and new beginnings.

Bawang xie jia

In a roundabout way, this is where this blog got its start.  I wrote this piece early last year when I was just beginning to turn a corner from one of the lowest points of my life.  Going through that ordeal and then turning the corner is part of what turned me from “me” into someone more akin to your friendly neighborhood Taoist Biker.  Largely it was a matter of learning to express myself, not only to others but to myself.  To be quiet and listen to what I was trying to tell myself.

Early on in that process I learned that writing was helpful for me.  So after pen-and-paper journaling got to be too slow and too cumbersome, I started blogging around on Myspace.  But after a while I was beginning to feel a little more uncomfortable with baring my soul while posting my name, my city, and a handful of my friends and family all together.

Then this spring my wife introduced me to Vix’s blog, the Overeducated Nympho.   In the early part of the summer, Vix posted a particular blog about leading a sort of dualized life in which she quoted Sylvia Plath’s poem “In Plaster.”  I’d never read it before (first, I’m a guy, and second, my own poetry professor was a tortured ex-Catholic so he tortured us with Geoffrey Hill and detailed description of gingkoes), but it struck me with the similarity to my own writing.  So I mailed this piece to her and told her so.  Her reply was polite and flattering.  And she tagged it with a postscript:  “Have you thought about starting a blog?”

I was duly flattered, yet decided I didn’t want that.  Nope, not really.  I didn’t have enough to say.  But the seed had, in fact, been planted, and maybe a month later I told my wife that I thought I wanted to get back into blogging – only this time, to do it anonymously, and hopefully do it better.  After doing some more poking and thinking and deciding, I cranked up The Taoist Biker in August of this year.

It’s been better than I’d hoped, actually.  I find myself writing from a different place than I was before, which is a good thing.  From the looks of it, I’m also reaching a lot more people, which is also flattering, and to those handful of you who care enough to react, that’s the best compliment of all.

Generally, though, I think I’ve usually been a bit too superficial on this blog.  I think part of that is because I’ve been feeling generally good about myself for the past few months, so I haven’t had occasion to conjure up the tortured part of my psyche that has always produced my best prose.  But lately I’ve also thought that it wasn’t exactly honest…that there’s more to me than a jovial pretend-Taoist ex-Biker.  I decided to post this up, I just hadn’t decided when to do it.  So, what the hell, I’m setting it up now to post while I’m gone.

Damn.  That’s one long-ass explanatory note.  Oh well, who cares.  I just hope you all enjoy it.  And remember, as Buddy from Night Court said…”I’m feeling muuuuch better now!”

PS:  Go ahead, Google the title phrase.  Extra bonus cool points to anyone who doesn’t have to.

—

I know I’m broken.

I also know I used to be a whole, whole lot MORE broken.

What I don’t understand is how I still feel a need to deny that I am now or used to be that way.

Someone can present irrefutable evidence that I was, at a certain point in my life, one mixed-up cookie. I can look at it and, intellectually, accept it as truth.

But inside, a part of me needs to fight it.

“No, that’s not true. I wasn’t that way. I was THIS way instead. I wasn’t fucked up at all. Nope. Not me.”

Denial.

“Fine, so I was fucked up. So what. YOU were just as fucked up as I was.”

Projection.

Why the fuck is that?

I don’t know. Some psych smarter than me could probably tell me. My best guess is that I feel a need to disown an image of my fractured past self in order to maintain a self-image of wholeness in the present. Another good guess is that I’ve always viewed myself as weak (and believed others perceived me as weak) and wanted to be strong. And so, in the same vein, I must disown any sense of weakness within me. A fractured self is, obviously, weak. *I* cannot be weak; therefore, I cannot be fractured, nor can I ever have been fractured, blah blah blah.

It’s not right. I should be able to look at myself now and respect where I am. I should be able to look at how far I’ve come as, if anything, something to be proud of. To be able to believe that I’ve created strength where once was weakness should bring me a sense of accomplishment and pride. I should look at it that I’ve built myself new layers of muscle and sinew, not as an admission that I once needed armor to protect my vulnerability.

As I type this, I’m struck by a metaphor. This need to deny my past self is, itself, a suit of armor. A rusty, pitted, suit of old armor–rent with battle-scars and opened to the elements in various vital places due to heavy blows from past wars fought. It offers an illusion of protection, but none in actuality. It leaves me open to various cuts and bruises, which the rust then invades and causes to fester.

It is too small.

Far too small. Constricting me.

I can’t grow any more until I shed it.

For ages and ages, I felt too small within it. The armor was bigger than me. It was more important than I was. It loaned me protection, and beyond that, the illusion of strength…a veneer of intimidation. All spikes and angles, with formed muscles and a horrifying, death-grinning mask to frighten away those who would do me harm.

And so I lived in it. Day after day, month after month, year after year. As it crumbled around me. As others learned that it kept me slow and encumbered; they could dance around me and laugh. As others tried to get close, but were repelled by the facade, and the notion…not consciously perceptible but innately palpable…that the thing that was inside was somehow poisoned. The sharp tang of iron oxide slowly mixing with the cloying odor of rotting flesh.

As the person within the armor withered and died.

I began to hate it. And fear it. But more than I hated and feared it, I hated myself. And I feared to live without it. The more I hated it, the more convinced I was that I could never survive without it…

The armor stayed. People in my life came and went. The armor stayed. People took one look at me and never looked back. People took shots at me, took pieces of the armor, couldn’t reach me within it to finish me off. It was becoming obvious to my subconscious that the armor itself could not protect me. But the more the pieces began to fall away, the more desperately I clung to the ones that remained…

The armor stayed. I changed. It didn’t. I felt it pressing into my flesh in places, but I couldn’t dream of shedding it. Not in my worst nightmare. And so, even though I grew in some ways, in others I continued to atrophy. My body never felt the sun except through cracks…and it burned my pasty flesh where it touched me. My eyes screamed in pain; the light was too much to bear. So I retreated back into the darkness with my armor. Only my armor and me. To fester again in the blackness.

I felt that, as long as I had it on, no one could tell that the being inside the armor was a puny, pathetic, shrivelled, naked worm. Nothing to be respected. Nothing to fear. In fact, crushing it would do the world a favor. That was, I felt, the real me. The armor was all that saved me. I had to cling to it! I had to make the armor A PART OF ME! I HAD TO! IT WAS ALL I HAD! IT HAD TO BE ME, OTHERWISE I WAS NOTHING!

I don’t need the armor anymore. I don’t want it. I can feel it. I can feel my muscles and sinews bulging. I feel my legs wanting to run, wanting to run free, being staggered by the weight of this stinking iron carcass. It’s tight, across my arms, my legs, my back, my chest, my throat. Constricting me.

The fetid mask, pressing into my face, molding it into an expression of pain and fear and hate. Pushing my own hot breath back into my face until I sweat. I don’t want that anymore.

I’m in the biggest battle of my life right now, and I refuse to die inside this putrid, rotting thing. If I’m going to die, I want to feel the sun on my body before I do.

And I also don’t want the armor to hold me back. It could cripple me, now. As I said, it does me no good. It offers me no protection. Just a dragging weight, crippling my soul.

I can envision bursting out of the armor. I’m so huge now, and so strong, that I bend at the waist, and flex every muscle I have, strain every part of my body just for a moment. I feel it fight me…I feel it start to give, like a heavy weight that slowly starts to move…then, suddenly, a noise, and the armor bursts apart like a pricked bubble, into a rust-orange cloud that is carried away by the wind.

And I stand blinking in the sun, my body scarred and rust-stained, but free.

Free.

Monday Music

Well, as you read this I’m probably in Virginia trying to get my son to play with the dogs so they’ll leave us the hell alone while we play cards. But I couldn’t go without leaving you a classic Christmas tune.

Run DMC, “Christmas in Hollis”

Happy holidays to all of ya!

Happy Holidays!

Hey folks, as previously indicated, I’m leaving tomorrow for a long, offline and unplugged week with my family in rural Virginia.  I’ve set up a few posts to go live while I’m gone so those of you suckers who still have to work aren’t TOO bored.  (And if my posts are all that’s saving you, I feel bad for you.)   But I’m probably going to be incommunicado until around the new year.

So, from me to all of you folks, I hope you have a wonderful holiday season.  Catch you on the flip side.

Monday Music Index

After putting together a list recently so I can see what I’ve done and what I haven’t, I thought maybe it would be nice to pull together a list of all of my Monday Music posts. I can’t vouch for the YouTube links still being good at any point in the future, but at least the song names and my comments should still be there. So, hey, come on in and watch what’s in my musical imagination change from week to week.

August 13, 2007 – Alison Krauss and Union Station, “If I Didn’t Know Any Better”

August 20, 2007 – Jonny Lang, “A Quitter Never Wins”

August 27, 2007 – Opeth, “Windowpane” and “Master’s Apprentices”

September 3, 2007 – Joe Satriani, “Rubina”

September 10, 2007 – Camaron de la Isla y Tomatito, “Fandangos”

September 17, 2007 – Days of the New, “Touch, Peel, & Stand”

September 24, 2007 – Jet, “Cold Hard Bitch”

October 1, 2007 – Music from “Easy Rider”

October 9, 2007 – AC/DC, “Flick of the Switch”

October 15, 2007 – Tool, “Parabol/Parabola”

October 23, 2007 – Leo Kottke, “Little Martha”

October 29, 2007 – Van Halen, “Black & Blue”

November 5, 2007 – Pearl Jam, “Yellow Ledbetter”

November 12, 2007 – The Eagles, “Already Gone”

November 19, 2007 – Ozzy Osbourne, “Diary of a Madman”

November 26, 2007 – Guns N’ Roses, “November Rain”

December 3, 2007 – Jim Croce, “Lover’s Cross”

December 10, 2007 – Trans-Siberian Orchestra, “Wizards In Winter”

December 17, 2007 - Dan Fogelberg, “Same Old Lang Syne”

December 24, 2007 – Run-DMC, “Christmas in Hollis”

December 31, 2007 – Jonny Lang, “Irish Angel”

January 7, 2008 – Led Zeppelin, “Achilles’ Last Stand”

January 14, 2008 – Sade, “Never As Good As the First Time”

January 22, 2008 – Annihilator, “Alison Hell”

January 28, 2008 – Dark Tranquillity, “Terminus (Where Death Is Most Alive)”

February 4, 2008 – Bob Seger, “Mainstreet”

February 11, 2008 – Stevie Wonder, “Superstition”

February 18, 2008 – Weather Report, “A Remark You Made”

February 25, 2008 – Sevendust, “Enemy”

March 3, 2008 – Golden Earring, “Radar Love”

March 10, 2008 – Colin Hay, “Beautiful World”

March 17, 2008 – Pantera, “Hellbound”

March 24, 2008 – White Zombie, “More Human Than Human”

March 31, 2008 – Alabama, “I’m In A Hurry (And Don’t Know Why)”

April 7, 2008 – Prince, “Purple Rain”

April 14, 2008 – Lamb of God, “Redneck”

April 21, 2008 – Devin Townsend, “Life”

April 28, 2008 – Fleetwood Mac, “Silver Springs”

May 5, 2008 – Opeth, “Porcelain Heart”

May 12, 2008 – Alison Krauss and Union Station, “When You Say Nothing At All”

May 19, 2008 – Iron Maiden, “Aces High”

May 26, 2008 – Alison Krauss and Union Station (Dan Tyminski on vocals), “Bright Sunny South”

June 2, 2008 – Rush, “Tom Sawyer”

June 9, 2008 – The Killers, “When You Were Young”

June 16, 2008 – The Red Hot Chili Peppers, “Dani California”

June 23, 2008 – Tom Petty, “You Don’t Know How It Feels”

June 30, 2008 – Motley Crue, “Saints of Los Angeles”

July 7, 2008 – Boston, “Peace of Mind”

July 14, 2008 – Teddy Pendergrass, “Love TKO”

July 21, 2008 – Judas Priest, “Victim of Changes”

July 28, 2008 – Into Eternity, “Severe Emotional Distress”

August 4, 2008 – Coheed and Cambria, “Welcome Home”

August 11, 2008 – Disturbed, “Land of Confusion”

August 18, 2008 – Faith No More, “A Small Victory”

August 25, 2008 – The Steve Miller Band, “The Joker”

September 1, 2008 – Buckcherry, “Too Drunk to Fuck”

September 8, 2008 – Steve Stevens, “Theme from Top Gun”/Nickelback, “Animals” (MotoGP)

September 15, 2008 – Dexter Freebish, “Twilight”

September 22, 2008 – Aerosmith, “Sweet Emotion”

September 29, 2008 – Andy McKee, “Drifting”

October 6, 2008 – Stevie Ray Vaughan and Double Trouble, “Leave My Little Girl Alone”

October 13, 2008 – Anthrax, “Time”

October 20, 2008 – Jonny Lang, “Red Light”

October 27, 2008 – Devin Townsend Band, “Vampira”

November 3, 2008 – Van Halen, “Right Now”

November 10, 2008 – Testament, “Practice What You Preach”

November 17, 2008 – Tommy Tutone, “Jenny (867-5309)”

November 24, 2008 – Trapt, “Who’s Going Home With You Tonight”

December 1, 2008 – The Allman Brothers Band, “Melissa”

December 8, 2008 – Roger Troutman, “I Want to Be Your Man”

December 15, 2008 – Trans-Siberian Orchestra, “Faith Noel”

December 22, 2008 – Earl Scruggs and friends, “Foggy Mountain Breakdown”

December 29, 2008 – Judas Priest, “You’ve Got Another Thing Coming”

January 5, 2009 – Pearl Jam, “Alive”

January 12, 2009 – Van Halen, “I’ll Wait”

January 19, 2009 – Into Eternity, “Timeless Winter”

January 26, 2009 – The Red Hot Chili Peppers, “Snow (Hey Oh)”

February 2, 2009 – Motley Crue, “Home Sweet Home”

February 9, 2009 – Social Distortion, “Ball and Chain”

February 16, 2009 – Tesla, “What You Give”

February 23, 2009 – Joe Satriani, “Raspberry Jam Delta-V”

March 2, 2009 – Devin Townsend Band, “Truth”

March 9, 2009 – Five Finger Death Punch, “Stranger Than Fiction”

March 16, 2009 – D’Angelo, “Me And Those Dreamin’ Eyes of Mine”

March 23, 2009 – Opeth, “Harvest”

March 30, 2009 – Arch Enemy, “We Will Rise”

April 6, 2009 – Warren Zevon, “My Dirty Life & Times”

April 13, 2009 – Avenged Sevenfold, “Almost Easy”

April 20, 2009 – Eric Johnson, “Lonely in the Night”

April 27, 2009 – Lacuna Coil, “Closer”

May 4, 2009 – Anthrax, “Antisocial”

May 11, 2009 – Peter Gabriel, “The Book of Love”

May 18, 2009 – Ultraspank, “Where”

May 25, 2009 – Pelican, “Bliss In Concrete”

June 1, 2009 – Alison Krauss and Jerry Douglas, “Carolina In My Mind”

June 8, 2009 – Red Hot Chili Peppers, “Hard to Concentrate”

June 15, 2009 – David Lee Roth, “Yankee Rose”

June 22, 2009 – Mother Love Bone, “Gentle Groove”

June 29, 2009 – Lenny Kravitz, “Are You Gonna Go My Way”

July 6, 2009 – The Who, “Won’t Get Fooled Again”

July 13, 2009 – Dark Tranquillity, “Focus Shift”

July 20, 2009 – Weezer, “My Names Is Jonas”

July 27, 2009 – Stevie Ray Vaughan and Double Trouble, “Texas Flood”

August 3, 2009 – Meat Loaf, “Paradise by the Dashboard Light”

August 10, 2009 – Tool, “Jambi”

August 17, 2009 – John Mellencamp, “Cherry Bomb”

August 24, 2009 – Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, “Punk Song (Whatever Happened To My Rock n’ Roll)”

August 31, 2009 – Led Zeppelin, “For Your Life”

September 7, 2009 – Accept, “Balls to the Wall”

September 14, 2009 – Jackson Browne, “The Load-Out/Stay”

September 21, 2009 – Dave Matthews & Tim Reynold, “I’ll Back You Up”

September 28, 2009 – Iron Maiden, “Fear of the Dark”

October 5, 2009 – AC/DC, “Touch Too Much”

October 12, 2009 – Bullet for My Valentine, “Waking the Demon”

October 19, 2009 – Tegan and Sara, “Nineteen”

October 26, 2009 – Helloween, “Halloween”

November 2, 2009 – Breaking Benjamin, “I Will Not Bow”

November 9, 2009 – The Gathering, “Monsters”

November 16, 2009 – Rush, “Closer to the Heart”

November 23, 2009 – Boston, “More Than a Feeling”

November 30, 2009 – Rascal Flatts, “Life is a Highway”

December 7, 2009 – Agalloch, “Falling Snow”

December 14, 2009 – Untamed Serenity, “Into the Sunrise”

December 21, 2009 – Porky Pig, “Blue Christmas”

December 28, 2009 – Shadows Fall, “The Light That Blinds”

January 4, 2010 – Atreyu, “Becoming the Bull”

January 11, 2010 – Untamed Serenity, “(Still) Untitled”

January 18, 2010 – Devin Townsend Project, “Hyperdrive!”

January 25, 2010 – Cynic, “Integral Birth”

February 1, 2010 – Scale the Summit, “Dunes”

February 8, 2010 – Agalloch, “Odal”

February 15, 2010 – Incubus, “Dig”

February 22, 2010 – Radiohead, “Subterranean Homesick Alien”

March 1, 2010 – Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble, “Taxman”

March 8, 2010 – Alanis Morissette, “Hand in My Pocket”

March 15, 2010 – Corey Hart, “Sunglasses At Night”

March 22, 2010 – Orgy, “Blue Monday”

March 29, 2010 – The Jimi Hendrix Experience, “Are You Experienced?”

April 5, 2010 – Travis Tritt, “It’s a Great Day To Be Alive”

April 12, 2010 – Led Zeppelin, “Going to California”

April 19, 2010 – Lenny Kravitz, “I’ll Be Waiting (Unplugged)”

April 26, 2010 – Van Halen, “Why Can’t This Be Love?”

May 3, 2010 – Jonny Lang, “If We Try”

May 10, 2010 – The Fray, “Over My Head (Cable Car)”

May 17, 2010 – Heaven & Hell, “Bible Black”

May 24, 2010 – Tool, “Reflection”

May 31, 2010 – Steppenwolf, “The Pusher”

June 7, 2010 – Shadows Fall, “Thoughts Without Words”

June 14, 2010 – Jim Croce, “Hey Tomorrow”

June 21, 2010 – Audioslave, “Doesn’t Remind Me”

June 28, 2010 – Scale the Summit, “The Great Plains”

July 5, 2010 – Eric Johnson, “Bloom”

July 12, 2010 – Opeth, “The Grand Conjuration”

July 19, 2010 – Johnny Van Zant, “Brickyard Road”

July 26, 2010 – Megadeth, “Trust”

August 2, 2010 – Iron & Wine, “The Trapeze Swinger”

August 9, 2010 – Taio Cruz, “Break Your Heart”

August 16, 2010 – Anthrax, “Startin’ Up A Posse”

August 23, 2010 – Static-X, “The Only”

C’mon, have some trust.

“You trust me to pack your clothes for the trip, right?”
“Uh, not really.”
“C’mon, a couple of people muttering ‘slut’ under their breath never hurt anybody.”
[brief pause]
“I am NOT GOING.”

Oh HELL to the FUCK NO.

Yeah, maybe I’ve just discovered a few new tools and just maybe in a vein of ego I was out there looking to see who was talking about my little old blog. When what to my wondering eyes did appear but some fucking plagiarist not only ripping off me, but Vix too.

Bitch ripped off Vix’s Application post: Original here, soulless ripoff here. Not only that, but she went and ripped off my fucking answer to Vix. Original answer here, ripped off answer here.

And that’s not all of Vix’s shit that she ripped off. Oh no.

Getting plagiarized is old hat for Vix by now. (You’d think nobody else could write an original how-to on giving a blowjob.) But this is a first for me. But the implication that I wrote a flirtatious email to someone, with the knowledge and giggling approval of my wife, and to have somebody else rip it off and pass it off as though I was hitting on her, too….oh HELL no. Fuck that shit.

I’ve left her a comment. We’ll see if she has the guts to respond. I’m betting that these links will go dead pretty soon, but no apology will be made. I’m willing to be pleasantly surprised…but I’m not holding my breath.

Hmmm.

I was looking at Killboy‘s web page today as I do at least once a week, and I noticed he had pics up from his trip with his lovely wife (really, she’s a cutie, the boy’s done well!) to the Caribbean, a sort of delayed honeymoon for the two of them.

I also noticed he had this picture posted on his front page.

My thoughts:

1. That’s kinda hot.
2. Or is it?
3. Lines aren’t straight.
4. Stocking seams wouldn’t be, either.
5. Ouch. It hurts when you tattoo the back of your legs. (I know this.)
6. It’s one quick line, probably wasn’t all that bad.
7. I still can’t figure out if I think it’s really hot or not. I think so, but I’m not sure.

Help me out here?

Monday Music

I know it sounds like horseshit, but I was singing this song to myself off and on all weekend. Mostly it’s been because I’m thinking a lot about going home over the holiday, and there’s always a tiny possibility that I could run into my ex back home. Given the time of year and that situation, this song is a natural fit. I was going to set this one to be the Monday Music for December 31st. But since I learned this morning that Dan passed away, I think it’ll be better to run it today in tribute.

Dan Fogelberg, “Same Old Lang Syne”

I was never a big fan of Dan’s, honestly. When my now-wife moved in with me, she had this on a CD and played it for me that first New Year’s Eve, and while I’m still not a huge fan of Dan’s in general, I am a massive fan of this song. I think it’s one of the best songs I know of that clearly and plainly evokes not only a scene, but both lyrically and musically nails the correct emotion for that scene. It’s a beautiful marriage of imagery.

“Auld Lang Syne” also has deep emotional attachment for me for several reasons, several of which also concern the ex. All the more reason I was thinking of it this weekend.