Part of the life of A Nice Guy is that you never want to intrude on some nice girl’s day when she’s probably not interested in you in the first place. So you spend a lot of time 1) looking at girls, 2) assuming they’re not interested, 3) torturing yourself for being a Nice Guy and not at least trying to talk to her.
This is a glimpse into the life of A Nice Guy in college.
Disclaimer: I, uh, actually never asked a girl out while I was in college. I had a steady girlfriend from the day I walked in gawking until the day I walked out with a diploma. (And then some, on either side.) But I know myself well enough to more or less see how it might have gone. Hell, my wife will tell you that she basically had to slap me across the face with a copy of the Kama Sutra to get me to recognize that she was interested in me.
September 1: Notice beautiful girl in 150-person history lecture.
September 3: Class meets again. Crane head around until I locate DreamGirl.
September 5: Class meets again. No DreamGirl. Panic: Did she drop the class?
September 8: She’s there. Whew! Holy shit I’m smitten with the way her hair looks.
September 10: Strategically sit above and behind where she usually sits. Watch her unobserved. Mostly see back of her head. Is the most beautiful back-of-head I ever saw.
September 12: Strategically sit to the side of her, slightly behind. Get to see her profile. Her nose is so cute.
September 14: GAH! Walked right by her on the way into class. Ohshitohshitohshit, should I smile? Try to look cool? FUCK she’s gone.
September 17: She always sits next to that other girl. Damn it, I hate not having a wingman. Not that I have wingman-worthy friends. Or that I’d know what to do if I did.
September 19: WHO IS THAT FRATBOY-LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER SITTING NEXT TO MY DREAMGIRL AND TALKING TO HER?!?
September 21: Fratboy Intruder still there. Pondering homicide.
September 24: Fratboy Intruder on other side of lecture hall. Call Redneck Mafia and cancel hit.
September 26: Walked by her on the way out. Started to say “hi,” dumbstruck by beautiful brown eyes. Can’t remember if ended up with mouth hanging open dumbassedly. Slap self repeatedly until I get home, where I ask friend FellowNerd to slap me literally. He complies. I thank FellowNerd.
[...you get the picture...]
October 12: Out at a party. Annoyingly sober. Spot DreamGirl across the room. Get the attention of drunken friend Alpha Male Prick (AMP) from big-tittied bimbo that is hanging on his arm.
Me: Dude, that’s the chick from my history class!
AMP: Yeah? She’s kinda cute. Short, but cute.
Me: Fuck you, I like the short curvy girls.
AMP: Well, go fuck her.
Big-tittied bimbo: [giggles]
Me: Thanks, asshole. I couldn’t have thought of that strategy.
AMP: Tell ya what. I’ll go over there and tell her you want to lick her snatch.
Me: Tell ya what. I’ll reposition your balls over your eyebrows.
Big-tittied bimbo: [giggles drunkenly, gropes AMP's crotch protectively. The reaction he gets from his prickitude never ceases to amaze me.]
Dreamgirl: [seen talking and smiling with some random fratboy looking fucker]
Me: Fuck, she’s talking to whats-is-face in the flannel and khakis. Damn it.
AMP: Shoulda fucked her.
Me: Shut the fuck up and give me something to drink. I’m so pissed off I’ll even drink BEER.
[replay month of September]
November 17: Holy shit, the semester is coming to an end soon! I gotta make my move if I’m ever gonna!
November 19: Sit as close as I dare (which isn’t very) and desperately attempt to scope out her jewelry. Any boyfriend-ish-looking things there? Fuck, can’t tell!
November 21: Try to imagine self actually going up and asking her out. Completely fail to visualize. Curse self for coward.
November 24: Try to get her out of my head and concentrate on end-of-semester paper.
December 6: Final exam. I finish my exam early, take a longing glance toward DreamGirl, and walk out the door.
January 15: Notice (different) beautiful girl in Astronomy lecture.
January 17: “FellowNerd, just punch me in the fucking face right now. Spare us all the wait, and BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF ME FOR I AM A COWARD AND DO NOT DESERVE TO LIVE.”
March 22: FellowNerd comes to me and says: “Jesus, man, this new girl joined our discussion group last night. Let’s skip the steps and PUNCH ME IN THE FACE.”
Me: [slaps FellowNerd] “That’s what friends are for. Now what say we numb our self-loathing in a half-gallon of Old Crow and a game of Risk, huh?”
If that made-up story interests you, check out one real interaction between myself and a REAL-LIVE GIRL in college.
Filed under: A Nice Guy Speaks, War Between the Sexes
I’m very impressed with the creativity that went into this post! I particularly enjoyed the verbal exchanges between your hypothetical self and AMP…I glimpse into the world I don’t usually see.
How could she have even wasted time talking to fratboy?
Heh, yes those discussions were hypothetical, but I DO have a friend that those conversations were based upon. And knowing said friend, it didn’t take much of a mental stretch to come up with those lines.
As for how she could have wasted time…uh, I dunno, but apparently young ladies dredge up passable reasons for that every day! (To be fair, guys dredge up passable reasons to talk to airheaded bimbettes, also.)
Very true and further proof that it’s somewhat amazing that the human race keeps getting replenished. Wait, oh yeah, there are the bold frat boy types…I guess that’s how.
My favourite parts were when you were enchanted by the back of her head, when you scoped her out for “boyfriend jewelry” (smart!), all of the exchanges with AMP (LMAO), and any appearances of loyal nerd-friend who was good on the slappin’ front…
Hilarious
I miss my loyal fellow-nerd friend, honestly. He teaches high school in the DC metro area nowadays, and as far as I know, has never been in a serious relationship. Some gal doesn’t know what she’s missing. He’s a really great guy.
AMP, for all his flaws, was a good friend as well. He’s just, well, overcompetitive in most ways, and can be a general prick, especially when he’s been drinking. I haven’t heard from him in a few years. He married the big-tittied girl he dated/fought with through most of our undergrad years. When I called FellowNerd a few years later and said that AMP had said they were getting divorced, FellowNerd’s response was, “Well, they beat the over/under on that marriage by a year or so, didn’t they?” Last I heard, AMP was happily remarried and expecting his second child.
“flannel and khakis”. Remember the 90′s?
I remember certain parts a lot better than others, let’s put it that way.
You and Dys are probably the only ones who’ll get this, but I’ll say it anyway.
Sing this to the tune of Auld Lang Syne:
“I love to wear
my new duck boots
They go with everything
Like flannel shirts
and khaki pants
and my old high school ring.
I drink at all
the football games
and puke on all my friends!
It’s fun to go
to UVA
the party never ends!”
[...] best friend from college, referred to on rare occasions around the blog as FellowNerd, emailed me a few days ago. (It’s time for our annual NFL pool to begin, and as our [...]